No, Really, Please Stop. Hell Is Only Five Minutes Away.

First off, we really are going to get back to the bike path series.  Eventually.  There was the whole sick for months thing followed by OMG school and work.  So, once my health and time are back up to it, we'll return to that one.

As for today, I'd like to preach to ya, brothers and sisters.  Yeppers, we're coming back around to the Jesus train.  No complaining, it's not a subject I hit often ( I believe the last time was here), but every once in a while, I have to get it out.  I actually have a pretty serious spiritual life, in spite of never going to church and the amount of swear words that come out of my mouth.  And in spite of the various bizarre paths I find myself on, I consider myself a Christian, because I attempt to follow the teachings of Christ.  Now, don't run away, because I promise you, I'm not going to tell you about how you're going to hell for not believing.  I honestly believe that none of us really have the full story here--we've all got part of the puzzle, but each part is mixed in with some other puzzle pieces and we don't even have all of the pieces for the one we're actually trying to put together.

But before I get carried away with espousing my own beliefs, let's get back on topic.  Today's post is for all you evangelicals out there (atheists, agnostics, and others who have been burned, feel free to sit back with some popcorn).  Yes, you know who I'm talking about.  I'm talking about those of you who go door to door to talk about Jesus, and you cunt monkeys who litter tracts on the vehicles of innocent bystanders.

Sorry, I probably shouldn't have called you cunt monkeys.  Not very Christian of me.

At the same time,  I really don't appreciate finding tracts under my windshield wipers when I come back out of the new age bookstore.  I mean, it's better than finding out my car got towed because I parked in a staff lot for the university, but when I was gone for like 20 minutes and looking to see what books they had on chaos and sigil magic,  it really feels like you're stalking me.

Furthermore, when your tract gets oddly specific, it kinda makes all the rest of us Christians look bad.  For example, the one I found on my car most recently discussed what happens five minutes after you die.

This is what happens when I try to take detail photos with my phone. 

 For those of you can't cross your eyes sufficiently, the pertinent part is, "Unless you have prepared for your eternity in this life, five minutes after you die you will feel the flames of an eternal Hell for ever and ever."  

Ignoring the fact that you'll be in "an eternal Hell" as opposed to "THE eternal Hell" (because you'd think if they only believe in one god and one heaven, they'd only believe in one hell, too), how, HOW do they know it takes five minutes to get to Hell?  Seriously!  I mean,  pretty sure there's nothing about that in the bible (most of the time spans in there are pretty vague.  I think the three days it took Jesus to come back to life may have been the most specific), so how did they find this out?  Did they send researchers out on this topic?  How did they get back with the data?  What's going on during that five minutes?  Are you being judged?  I'd like to think God takes more than five of our minutes to make that decision.  I mean, usually we're told that right after you die (if you've been good, that is) you go straight to heaven.  Why is there this delay in getting to Hell?  And how do they even know that time passes at the same rate (or at all) in the spiritual realm?  Seriously, I genuinely want to know how they came to this conclusion.

I even went so far as to go to the website of the tract printers ( http://www.gospeltractsociety.org/ ,if you want to get in on this) and I sent them an email asking how they knew this, but either they don't work weekends or they assumed I was trolling (I kinda am, but I really do want to know).

The point here is, throwing shit like this out there for the anti-Christians to find is like giving North Korea nukes.  You're just doing their work for them.  

Fire and brimstone doesn't work anymore.  Fear is never the best motivator, and telling people to believe or else, well, you catch more flies with honey, ya know what I'm saying?

I get that you're genuinely trying to do the right thing here.  I mean, after all, if you believe that your religion is the only way to not suffer for all eternity, then it's only right to get as many people to join as possible, so as to save them from that dreadful fate.  At the same time, just going around telling everyone is maybe not the most effective way to spread your message.  After all, what about all the other Christians out there?  They've already heard the word.  No need to preach to the choir, so to speak.  I mean, you've never met me.  Why automatically assume I'm a Satan worshiping heathen?  Is it because you don't know me?  I've gotta tell ya, if that's it, well, generally speaking, if only the people that you know are the ones who believe what you're preaching, chances are good you're probably in a cult.  Seriously, there's billions of people on this planet.  If you've really got it right, there's almost certainly someone you don't know who's in on it.  Personally, I find it rather offensive that you assume I haven't heard the message of Christ (which, for the record, was much more about love and forgiveness than about going to Hell, and that whole born again thing is in Paul.  Paul never even met Jesus, and he was an asshole).  You've just met me, and you already think I'm so horrible that I'm going to Hell?  Not cool, man, not cool.

Long story short (if any of you evangelicals are even left to read this after I called you cunt monkeys), going around and shoving your religion in other people's faces is a really horrible way to convert them.  Either you're preaching at (and pissing off) the choir, or you're openly insulting people.  No one wants to hang out with sanctimonious assholes, brothers and sisters.  By calling yourselves Christians and "preaching the word,"  you're making the rest of us look bad, and driving away everyone who used to be on the fence.  There's a lot of people out there who would be Christians, if somebody would take the time to seriously answer their questions.  And there's so many others who have been driven away from the church by the people in it.  I've heard horror stories about churches performing exorcisms on rebellious teenagers, the pedophiles in the Catholic church (it's really not all the priests, I swear), not to mention the sheer number of atheists, agnostics, and pagans I know who used to be Christians.  Heck, one of the most die hard atheists I know grew up in a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.  If I grew up with that, I'd be an atheist, too.

So, what's my actual point here?  I guess it's that people need to stop assuming that their religion (or lack thereof--atheists, I'm looking at those of you who think people who believe in God are stupid, that's just as bad as the fundamentalist Christians) is the only way.  That they're the only ones who are right.  And that you have to unthinkingly follow the decrees of that religion or you're going to hell.  Cut other people some slack, for the love of god.  Ask questions--unless I seriously misinterpreted something, the whole reason God gave us free will was because He (or She, if that's your pleasure) wanted us to come to Him on our own.  He wanted us to choose to love him.  How do you make that choice without asking questions?  You can't.  So stop expecting other people to just accept your word for it that your religion is the only path to God, and start justifying your beliefs.

(I'm sure Jesus loved the dinosaurs, but let's be honest, it doesn't help our credibility to say so.)

Endometriosis Sucks

So, as some of you may be aware, I've had some health issues the last six months or so.  I've not gone into much detail, mostly because I figure ya'll don't really want to know, especially since it's girly reproductive system stuff.  WARNING: This is ranty and depressing, so you might want to give it a miss.  If I post this at all, it'll mostly be for chicks with endo on google, looking for someone to empathize with the hopelessness of their condition.

But I'm really frustrated, and I just need to get this out, so bear with me. 

Last fall (late summer, really), I went off birth control.  Not because I want kids (as fucking everyone tends to assume), but because I had long suspected there was a hormonal component to my issues with depression and I was sick and tired of the birth control screwing with my head.  Having been on it for around 14-15 years, it took a few months to get out of my system, and those months were pretty rough.  But, by mid October, moving into November, I had reached a point where I was pretty well normal--no random screaming/crying fits (think like a seizure, only conscious and with less twitching), my periods weren't hurting like they had been those first few months, and I was the most emotionally stable I have quite possibly ever been.  Midway through my cycle in November though, I started to hurt.  I initially thought it was normal--since going off the pill I'd had some mid cycle pain (mittelschmerz)--but then it was still there the next day.  And the next.  After a few days of this, I went to my GP, who did a urine test and drew some blood, declared no sign of infection in said fluids, said it was probably a pelvic infection, gave me some antibiotics and told me to use a heat pad.  I'd like to point out that at this time, I was in some pretty serious pain--moving around hurt, as did sitting in certain positions.  But hey, it got better with antibiotics, so I figured all was going to be well.  But as soon as I finished the antibiotics, the pain came back, with a vengeance.  After a second batch of antibiotics and my third visit to my GP (who is no longer my GP because of all this), I finally got referred to an OB/GYN.  By the time I saw her in mid December, I had been in pain for the better part of a month--and we're talking, I can't sit up straight, standing up long enough to shower has me in tears pain.  The GYN did a pelvic exam and a pap (which at no point did my GP do, nor did he even ask when the last time I had had one done was) and finished it off with an ultrasound.  When she hit a certain spot in the pelvic exam, it hurt so much that I think I actually blacked out for a second.  The ultrasound revealed oodles of ovarian cysts, and a laproscopic surgery to remove them would have to be scheduled.  By this point, it was almost Christmas, so it was January before they could get me in.  Again, for most of this time, I'd been in pain severe enough that the closest I could get to sitting up was mostly reclined--I actually had to call into work, because I could not sit upright for three hours (which is the most physically strenuous thing required of me there).  Early January saw me in surgery (the day after my birthday, I might add), and immediately afterward I felt better, except for the pain caused by the surgery.The good news was that she didn't have to remove an ovary--the bad news was that I have endometriosis.

 For those of you who don't know what it is, you know how every month a lining grows in the uterus in preparation for a baby, then it sheds out (i.e. Aunt Flo)?  Well, with endometriosis, some of that tissue somehow gets outside of the uterus and does its thing in other places of the body.  And because there's no place for the crap it's shedding to go, bad things happen.  There is no cure. 

The primary treatment is (wait for it) birth control. 

So, when we discussed this at my follow up after the surgery, I pointed out the massive emotional issues I've had while on BC (prior to going off it, I'd've said 40-60% was hormonal.  Now? 80-90%).  I went over this list of formulations I've tried, and her response was, "So, pretty much everything."  There was one left that I hadn't tried, mostly because it's less effective for the preventing pregnancy thing.  But, because of previous issues, I refused to go back on it without anitdepressants to act as a check.  Because of my history, she wasn't willing to prescribe them, so I had to find a shrink.

I eventually did find someone who wasn't crazier than I am, and started on Prozac two weeks before my next period so that it would be in my system when I started the pill (you start the pill either on the day your period starts or the Sunday after).  Those two weeks were less than pleasant, because I didn't really need the prozac, and being on too high a dose of that stuff makes me jumpy as hell.  But I got through it, and started the pill.  I started it late on Friday that week, and by Monday night I was curled in the fetal position (as much as I could curl, anyway--when those fits hit, my movement is kinda limited) sobbing and screaming, and trying to figure out why it wouldn't stop.  The husband beared with me (bless his heart), and we both decided that I should stop taking it.  Within a few days, I was back to normal (I also quit the prozac, since I didn't need it).

I finally got around to calling the doctor to figure out where to go from here, and it was singularly unhelpful.  They asked if I'd found a new GP yet (no, because I haven't been sick, and can't afford to seek medical help recreationally) and how bad the pain was, and then basically set me loose.

I actually did have a couple pain free weeks in February, once I'd healed from the surgery, but it's been slowly coming back.  Mostly just annoying, but I've been having to take painkillers for most of March.  To be honest, I'm home right now because I hurt (it still gets worse a bit before my period and during the monthly massacre in my pants).

The horrifying thing is that you can surgically remove the lesions and whatnot caused by endometriosis, but it comes back.  And there's no telling when--it could be a couple years, it could be a couple months.  The uncertainty, the, "Should I plan for that or will I be in too much pain to follow through?" is agonizing.  Never knowing when I'm going to be in too much pain to live my life.  Seriously, I'm almost done with school--am I even going to be able to hold down a real job?  And there's nothing I can do.  I can take painkillers, but nothing really kills the pain, and I can't take anything more than naproxen without impairing my mental faculties.  Looking at support groups and resources online really just makes the situation more bleak--it's all about how birth control can keep the pain from coming back.  But what if you can't take birth control?  Just suck it up and deal?  "Oh, use relaxation techniques, get plenty of sleep, and switch to the endometriosis diet (which ranges from vegetarian to outright vegan)."  Riiight.  I'd love to get plenty of sleep, but I have shit to do, like class and work.  And I'm not giving up meat, cheese, and chocolate (aka. the food that makes life worth living).  Can I get some practical solutions here that don't feel like a fucking bandaid?  Can I get a practical solution that I can actually life with?  "Women who identify with the disease experience less pain."  I'm sorry, but I don't want to be defined by what's wrong with me.

And the support groups?  When it's not, "I've had six laproscopies and the pain's gotten worse after each one," it's all about the infertility aspect of it (endometriosis can cause infertility).  I'm not really that interested in having kids--can I get a support group for women with endo who don't want to breed?  Because the focus on fertility is really awkward, because it makes me feel like I should care when I don't.  Thank you for the reminder of that.  Seriously, looking at support groups only makes it more depressing.

Yeah, sorry to be such a downer.  There is no happy ending for this story.  I figure I'll probably have a couple more surgeries and have a hysterectomy within about ten years.  This isn't based on anything my doctor said, but on the basic trends associated with this disease.

But I did find one bright spot in my internet searching, and I would like to share it.
At least I'm hot.