Now that that's out of the way, all too many years ago, I reached the legal drinking age. Now, my folks never drank much, so I was never really exposed to alcohol. There was the occasional champagne at New Year's (which tasted like ass) and of course the wine at communion (which tasted even more like ass), but growing up, I didn't see much of it. Being the tremendous nerd I am, 21 just sort of rolled on by. I was old enough to drink but, well, I didn't know what to get, and I hated to waste five bucks on something I might not like, especially when I could get a soda (and unlimited refills) for only two. Over the years, I did find myself in the position to try some booze for free, and generally wasn't impressed. Admittedly, the first two drinks I tried were Coors and Peach Schnapps.
They were vile.
Beyond vile.
I would go so far as to say that Peach Schnapps is an abomination that should be wiped from the face of the earth.
This tastes nothing like peaches.
Further experiments with rum and coke taught me that I like my liquor like I like my coffee--so loaded up with other crap you can't taste it. And so we come to the first reason why I will never be an alcoholic:
1) I can't stand the taste of alcohol.
Seriously, it's vile. You can call me a snob if you like, but it doesn't change a thing. If I wanted to enjoy the taste of alcohol, I'd just down a bottle of rubbing alcohol and be done with it. At least that's cheap. And I'm super picky about how my drinks taste--I went on a wine tour a while back and by the end of it we had a running gag going to see if I'd like anything at all (there was a decent port, but my companions drank most of my share). I've reached the point where I stick with girly fru fru drinks--strawberry daquiris and the like. I can also get behind a weak rum and coke, and amaretto sours are pretty tasty.
Antiseptic, beer, tastes the same to me.
2) I can't afford to drink.
This rolls right back to reason one. Mixed drinks cost a heck of a lot more than beer. I've tried wine coolers, but they just don't taste good enough to justify it. That wine tour? Yeah, the one wine I really liked was the most expensive one. I can't drink the cheap stuff. I can buy the materials and mix my own, but, let's face it, at the frequency I drink, that bottle of amaretto in my fridge may be there for a couple years.
3) I can't hold my alcohol.
Seriously, one drink gets me tipsy. That's just pathetic. Oh, and I also get really sleepy. I joke that you'd have to get me really drunk to do karaoke in public--the cute trick would be keeping me conscious enough to do it. Karaoke also leads us to reason number four.
Not pictured: Me, passed out in the corner.
4) I can't let go of control long enough to get drunk.
Admittedly, most people will probably be envious of this one. But I can't not stop drinking. I start feeling kinda sick after two (mixed drinks, which, to my understanding, contain more alcohol per serving than wine or beer), and I really can't compel myself to go on after that point. I'm too responsible--I know that drinking too much will have me puking and passed out in the gutter, then waking up feeling like shit. I hate vomiting--after a nasty bout of stomach flu in undergrad, I almost have a pathological fear of it. In addition, I often wake up with many of the symptoms of a hangover dead sober, so I really don't want to make morning any worse. Failing all else, I'm just wound too damn tight.
5) One drink renders me unable to drive.
Okay, this is really just the reason why I'll never be a social drinker. My friends and I tend to have bizarre schedules, so any get together is usually a meetup. The hubby doesn't drink, so if we go to a bar I have to drive myself. If I'm driving, I can't drink, because I'll be too tipsy to safely get home. Which negates the purpose of going out to drink, n'est ce pas?
6) I can't stand bars.
If it's a restaurant with a bar, I'm good. I understand the social dynamics. But a bar? What am I supposed to do? Who do I pay? Where are the tables? Am I expected to talk to strangers? What is all that empty space for? Am I supposed to dance? Hell no! I've been in a straight up bar exactly twice, and the second time was to see some friends of our perform, so we actually had a group of people together (and the hubby was there). If I meet up with friends, I'm drinking water while everyone else is having fun. It's the typical shy nerdy girl at a party problem. And then you have all these noisy people invading your space because if you found a table it's about the size of a skinny person. There's no defense!
They're also never this well lit.
7) I feel lost and awkward in the liquor store.
Well, you say, if you're not going to a bar, why not just get drunk at home? It's cheaper, too. Again, my lack of experience shows. I don't entirely know what to get, or where to find it. I also feel like the staff is staring at me while I wander befuddled--"Wow, you have no idea what you're doing!" they must be thinking. As someone who is generally accepted to know everything, it hurts my pride when people think I'm an idiot, even when it's people who don't matter. Completely irrational, I know. And then you add in the fact that I have to google what I need before I even go, and all the fun is taken out of getting inebriated.
8) I feel many of the negative effects of drinking sober.
I touched on this before, but it's true. I wake up nauseous, sensitive to sound and light, and with a headache often enough that I almost don't notice it anymore. Why on God's green earth would I want to imbibe something that will cause these symptoms? I also tend to run kinda low on sleep, which tends to have the same effect on one's judgement as getting drunk. About the only thing I don't get sober is the buzz, or the relaxation effect. The latter can be provided easily with muscle relaxants, a good reiki massage, or a heating pad, and with no hangover. I can live without the buzz. I already question my grip on reality enough--I really don't need to loosen it.
And so that, my friends, is why I will never be an alcoholic. It's also why I am so darned reluctant to
go out drinking with you, in spite of how much fun it is to laugh at drunk people.
Next time: Dream Journal Revealed! How Much Does Linda Dream In a Month? Tornadoes and Spiders and Bees, Oh My!
Obligatory closing PSA: AA can be very helpful should you or someone you know need help quitting the bottle.
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