The Wonders of Technology

So, as many of you know, the best father-in-law in the world got me a new car for Christmas.  This has been quite exciting for me, as the old car was a twenty year Buick.  I'd include a picture, but, honestly, it's dark out and the snow covering it makes it look much better than it actually does, anyway.  Just picture, if you will, a 1990 Buick Skylark that's still mostly light blue, with patches of rust on the body around the back tires, the clear coat peeling off the trunk and hood, and various primer and rust colored spots all over.  It's an old car, with lots of character.  In most cases that would mean I have to stand on one leg, turn the crank, cross my eyes and kick it just right to keep it running, but it was actually (and I guess still is) a surprisingly reliable car (except for those two years in undergrad when it broke down every six months).  However, even the best old car still has those odd little quirks.

The new car, for the most part, is almost quirkless.  I no longer have to turn the left turn signal off manually, the dome light (and trunk light, for that matter) works, it has power locks and power windows, ABS brakes, airbags, and even this spiffy little thing that tells me how many miles I can drive until my gas tank is empty.  It even has air conditioning, not that I need it in the middle of January, but it works.  It also has a remote, which I find endlessly amusing.

This is actually pretty close to the expression on my face every time I hit the button to unlock or lock the doors.  Sheer, unadulterated joy and excitement.

So, what, you might be wondering is the downside of this wonderful example of modern engineering?  This amazing vehicle that I can even plug my ipod straight into and then use voice commands to tell it what to play?

The voice command system.

I realize that this complaint makes me look like an ungrateful, horrible person.  And I am truly grateful to have a new vehicle that I don't think, "Is this the last day?" about every time I get in it.  At the same time, Beulah (for so I have christened my new car) seems to have some trouble understanding what I say.  Most of the time she's okay, and can guess what I'm asking for in one or two tries.  I realize I have a weird accent (think northern and southern at the same time) and perhaps I'm simply not speaking clearly enough.  She also seems to be extra cranky when it's really cold.  However, the difficulty I've had getting her to play music by one particular group is starting to make me wonder if perhaps the car is exercising a veto right over my taste in music.  She refuses to understand the command, "play artist Rammstein."  Now, I will say, she tries, but the last time I gave this command, she responded with the following:

"Say one after the tone for play artist Rammstein.
"Say two after the tone for play artist Maroon 5."

Obviously, after the tone I said one, but at the same time...how the heck do you get "Maroon 5" out of "Rammstein?"
Not only do the words not sound anything alike, but neither do the bands.  In fact, I would go so far as to say the only thing they have in common is that both are somehow in my ipod.


Rammstein, Haifisch

  

Angry German industrial, video of lead singer's funeral where the band starts a fist fight. (This is relatively tame as their videos go).

 Maroon 5, She Will Be Loved

Sad pop song about some girl in an abusive relationship with appropriate video (I'm assuming here, I couldn't actually sit through it all).

Not saying anything bad about Maroon 5, but come on, Beulah!  Really?  Of course, at least she'll play the band.  Individual albums have had mixed but mostly bad luck.  Sehnsucht?  Refuses to play it.  All she'll do is Sunde by Eisbrecher.  At least that's closer, but still.  "Play album Reise, Reise" gave me options between Enter by Within Temptation, Americana by Offspring, and American Idiot by Green Day.  Really?  Really?! 

And we could just say, well, it's an American car, of course it's not going to speak German very well.  I realize this.  But it has no problem with the other German band I listen to, Eisbrecher.  Her pronunciation is off, but she'll play them with almost no trouble.  I can pick my album, even my track.  Maybe it's where they're more techno, less metal, I don't know, but the way she seems to specifically deny my requests for Rammstein makes me wonder if there's something more sinister afoot.  Is there some sort of bizarre conspiracy?  Or just an innocent technological glitch?
It's all okay, though.  I have a fabulous new car, one that I picked out myself, and if that's the only thing I have to complain about, Beulah and I will have a very long and happy relationship.



But I still can't help but think that if she were a Volkswagen she'd understand me perfectly.