Have It Our Way

I have confession to make.

I'm an addict.

I can't stop eating at Burger King.  I know it's unhealthy, but it's soo tasty.  Of course, the calories is not what makes it a bad habit.  It's what I have to go through to get those calories.  I always order the exact same thing, at every Burger King I go to.  A bacon double cheeseburger with no mustard.  I usually also get fries, and sometimes a soda.  But the burger is the sticking point.  You see, they screw up my order about 98% of the time, at about 99% of the locations I have been to.  That's right, this is an issue at almost every single one I've been to.  I think the only exception was that random one in Tennessee, and that could have just been the 2% they get right.  This has been a problem in: Richmond, KY, Greenville, NC, Compton, NC, and three locations locally, which pretty much sums up most of my Burger King experiences. 

Now, I will admit that the bacon double cheeseburger no longer exists on the official menu.  HOWEVER, there is still a button for it, and even if there wasn't, they could just add bacon to a double cheeseburger.  Or ring up one of their stacker sandwiches with no sauce and add ketchup and pickle.  It's not like they no longer have the beef patties or cheese needed to make the damn thing.  So yeah, it's on the secret menu, but it's not like I'm asking them for something they don't have, like healthy food.

This is all I want. 

I don't even care that it will never be that pretty.

That said, our first hurdle is the cashier.  Now, there are three ways to ring up my sandwich, not counting doing it as a combo.  They are:

• bacon double cheeseburger, no mustard
• double cheeseburger, add bacon, no mustard
• double stacker, no stacker sauce, add ketchup and pickle 

I have been rung up for almost everything else.  At best, they just screw up the no mustard part, and it's the standard sandwich, or they do only mustard, which is gross, but remedied with a knife and lots of ketchup.  Sometimes there won't be bacon, sometimes they'll ring me up for a single bacon cheeseburger, and then the last time the guy tried to ring me up for a double whopper.

And then there was the bitch in Compton, NC (I was on my way home from Asheville) who told me that they didn't have that.  I flapped my mouth at her uncomprehendingly, walked out, and didn't stop again until I hit the state line.  I'm also not counting the nightmare I had in Greenville where I went to pay for it and the scary fat African American lady behind the counter kept bobbing her head at me and saying, "This card don't work.  This card don't work."  But that is something that would happen there.

The woman in my dream didn't look half this friendly.

 

Anyway, early on I wouldn't always catch it, so as long as what I got agreed with what they charged me for, I wouldn't complain (except about the mustard).  Now I watch them like hawks, which is why the last time I went the guy had to ring up my order three times.  Still, I can't help notice that there seems to be some bizarre lack of communication between the cashier and the guy in the back making the food.

Now at this point, you might be asking yourself, why does she have to have this burger?  If it gets messed up so much, why not order something simpler?  That's because I have found the bacon double cheeseburger from Burger King to have the best bun to beef to cheese to bacon to ketchup to pickle ratio and I hate mustard, so I leave that off everything.  It's comfort food, and reminds me pleasantly of my childhood (and how my parents never let me special order so I had to eat the mustard).  Again, it's an addiction, it doesn't have to be rational.

And apparently, neither do they.  See, once it makes it past the cashier, my order, which has finally been input correctly goes into the back somewhere, where god only knows what takes beef patties, cheese, and buns and throws them together in seemingly random ways.  Perhaps there is some overall design to my order almost always being wrong.  Perhaps something in the grand design requires it, or a tear in space and time will develop and the Great Old Ones will come through and devour us.  Either way, I have gotten almost every variation on this order, with the exception of no bun.  I have been given a:

• bacon double cheeseburger (straight, with mustard)
• bacon double cheeseburger, only mustard
• bacon double cheeseburger, only pickle
• bacon double cheeseburger, no ketchup
• bacon double cheeseburger, extra pickle
• bacon double cheeseburger, no pickle
• bacon cheeseburger (straight, with mustard)
• bacon cheeseburger, only mustard
• bacon cheeseburger, no mustard
• bacon cheeseburger, no ketchup
• double cheeseburger, (straight, with mustard)
• double cheeseburger, only mustard
• double cheeseburger, no pickle
• double cheeseburger, no ketchup
• double cheeseburger, no mustard
• cheeseburger (straight, with mustard)
• cheeseburger, no mustard
• cheeseburger, only mustard
• double hamburger, plain
• single stacker
• double stacker

And I'm not even counting the many times they have shorted me on cheese (it should have two slices, not one).  I was amazed during that whole Atkins thing that I never got one wrapped in lettuce instead of on a bun. 

 

 They are going to do this to me one day, I know it.  Never mind that this burger came from Jack In The Box.  They will find a way.

After all this, I still eat there.

Why?!!!!!  I don't know!!!  Every time they screw it up I swear to myself, "No more!"  I last maybe a month at best.  I get stressed out, or I get a craving, and I try to remind myself of the horrors that await me, and it works for a while, but I always wind up back there.  I've driven halfway across town to avoid one particular Burger King, only to get shivved at the next.  It's...just...so...tasty....


For the love of god, save me from myself.




So...anybody want to go get a burger?



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