Thank God It's Finally Over

So, I think I've mentioned I may have an addiction to campy TV shows.  I especially love anything that deals with the whole secret identity/super powers issue.  There are, in fact, two comic book heroes who make for some of the most entertaining stories.  Unfortunately, my favorite, Spiderman, doesn't get nearly as much screen time as the other, Superman.  Luckily, Superman is one of the best DC characters, and usually they give him a good amount of drama (except in Superman Returns, where he was an alien asshole).  He's also had two live action TV shows in my lifetime (oh, networks, why can't we have a prime time Spidey?).  Okay, yes, Lois  and Clark was total camp, but for me, it will always be the quintessential Superman.  Sure, there was that whole storyline with the frog eating clone, but that show will always have a special place in my heart.

Probably not real frogs.

But then came along Smallville.  A retelling of Superman, starting when he's a teenager and still developing his powers.  A version of the story like it was told by Marvel instead of DC.  An almost Spiderman-esque version of Superman.

I had no chance.

Now, Smallville started off great.  Solid storylines, a nice balance of funny bits and drama, a great new character/possible love interest, and, of course, a hot young guy to play Clark Kent.  It really had a lot to offer, and even at the end, there were still some good points.

 He's no Dean Cain, but not bad, not bad.

But somewhere along the line, something happened.  I'm not really sure when it was, or what, but eventually I just started hating the show.  I like to think it happened about the time they brought in Krypto, which would put it around season 4.  But the worst part of it was this:  I couldn't stop watching.  This wasn't like Heroes, where I watched faithfully until some point in season 3 when I couldn't watch another episode, or even the old ones, ever again.  No, the dread abomination that was Smallville sucked you in, and then forced you to watch it, whether you wanted to or not.  And I am not alone in this--I have talked with other fans who just couldn't stop watching.  Imagine a legion of fans, just praying that they would finally stop renewing their series so they wouldn't have to keep watching it.  And again, I'm not really sure exactly what it was that made it so painful--I have watched and enjoyed shows with lower production values, worse acting, and larger plot holes.  But for you, my darling invisible cats, I will attempt to cover some of my suspects.

1) Clark is an idiot.  No really, for someone who's supposed to save the world, for an alien who's supposed to be so much smarter than the rest of us, Clark is just plain stupid.  Yes, he's pretty, yes, he does the right thing and saves people, but he is a moron.  I mean, for several seasons he's friends with Lex Luthor, who is morally gray at best.  It's a miracle nobody finds out about his powers, what with all the suspicious fires and bizarre happenings out at the Kent farm.

2) The Red Blue Blur.  At one point, later in the show, this is what they start referring to the mysterious hero (i.e. Superman) as.  Clark even gets a special red jacket to wear with his jeans while on patrol.  It gets shortened to The Blur, but seriously?  The Red Blue Blur?  That is the lamest hero name ever.

3) The introduction of Lois Lane and the Daily Planet into a show about the teenage years of Superman.  I realize it's difficult to do the Superman story without Lois and the Planet, but let's face it--this is really the story of Superboy, not Superman.  Superboy dates Lana Lang and has zany adventures in school.

 

Although, I have to admit, I might even like their Lois better than Teri Hatcher.

4) The whole no flight thing.  Okay, now the creators did explicitly state that they weren't going to let him fly or wear the cape/suit.  Ever.  So at least we were warned.  But when you tease it with him flying while he's evil, and you show all the other Kryptonians  flying, that's just mean.  I know he's a teenager, I know there should be angst, but I'm not keen on Supes having a psychological block that keeps him from flying.  This could have been handled so much better.

5) The 18 billion kinds of Kryptonite.  Now, I'm not saying it doesn't make sense.  I mean, planet explodes, bits of it go flying off, of course it's not always going to be the same mineral.  But we have green, red, blue, black, and gold (and that's just what I can remember), and each one does something different, and usually not good.  I know every good hero has a weakness, but isn't green kryptonite and some dippy girl enough?  The whole point of Superman is that he's an ideal, that he's virtually unstoppable.  You have to be really creative to defeat Superman.  Extra flavors of Kryptonite is just cheating.

6) Excessive Christ symbolism.  Now, I understand the whole Superman/Jesus comparison.  It is there in the story, but let's face it, is it really necessary to shove it on our faces every season?  To compare this incarnation of Clark Kent to Jesus is just kind of insulting.  Jesus is way smarter, and he wouldn't have put up with Lana's crap for nearly as long.

 This episode is titled "Salvation."  I can't make this shit up.

7) Lana Lang.  Lana is the biggest deal breaker for me.  I spent almost the entire series hoping and waiting for her to die.  Now, the character I don't have a problem with--she's canon.  She's Superman's teen girl.  But dear God, this girl is a psychopath.  And Clark has an excellent alternative in created-for-the-series Chole, who is smart, understanding, and also madly in love with him, at least until she realizes that he doesn't really even see she's a girl.  

Lana starts out okay, but gradually becomes an evil bitch.  And, admittedly, my utter hatred of her may be obscuring my early memory of her.  All I know is that when she went away to Paris at the end of season 3, I rejoiced, hoping she would be no more.  

No such luck.

Eight seasons we had to put up with her.  EIGHT.

No, she just comes back all possessed by this chick who's trying to find some Kryptonian relics.  She gets all mixed up in the interesting bits of the storyline, provides Clark with way too much relationship bullshit, and then breaks up with him and marries Lex Luthor.

Yes, she marries Lex.  Then fakes her death and tries to pin it on him.  And when I say fakes her death, I mean you get a season finale cliffhanger where she dies, again, giving you hope that she's finally gone.  And this is six seasons into it.  I wanted her to die so many times, in my head she died like every other episode.  When I was looking up to see when she finally left for good, I realized she lasted three seasons longer than I thought.  In my head, she was gone after season 5.

But noooo, she had to come back again and start some sort of ultra creepy high tech stalking/counseling business.  And then, she leaves AGAIN at the end of season 7, only to be brought back AGAIN in 8.  I looked it up, and I don't even remember the whole bit with the kryptonite suit.

All of the worst bits of the show involved her. and she wouldn't flippin' die!  I can't even look at the actress anymore.  I hate the actress because of the character, even though I'm sure Kristin Kruek is actually a very nice person.

But the thing is, in spite of everything (Lana), I kept watching the show.  The hypnotic hold it had over me was strong enough to overcome the desire to break the TV every time Lana showed back up or didn't die.  And, starting around season 7 (I'm guessing here), they kept teasing about whether or not the show would be renewed.  I'd be slightly annoyed, because every season ends in a cliffhanger, but also relieved that I wouldn't have to keep watching.  And it just kept going and going.

Until season 10.  Finally, it would be over.  For real.  I acquired my copy with a mix of disgust and relief, and worked through it as quickly as possible to end the agony.  Fortunately, things had started to swing back up around season nine, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  They started putting everything where it was supposed to be, although I question if the Clark Kent secret identity really took hold that quick--I'm pretty sure there were lots of glasses free photos and at least a few sharp coworkers who noticed, hey, that superman guy looks a lot like Clark Kent.  But hey, they put things right with Lois, and it's over.  Finally.  I will not be compelled to watch it anymore.  Thank God.

This week's episode brought to you by the flu, so if anything seems more incoherent than usual, it's probably the plague talking. 

The Monster In the Shower

Okay, so when I was a kid, I was terrified of the monster in the closet.  It was to the point where the closet door absolutely had to be completely shut before I could sleep.  If it was open just a teensy crack, the monster could come out and get me.  And, of course, he had his fiendish accomplice, the monster under the bed, too.  Just a toe out from under the blanket and BAM! He'd get you.  The blankets, of course, were the key shield against the monsters.  As long as you were on top of the bed and under the covers they couldn't get you.  A night light was also an effective defense, but, of course, parents will only let you have that one for so long.  I mostly grew of out it after a while.

Mostly.

Yeah, it's confession time again.  I'm still afraid of the monster in the closet.  This has been a recurring thing.  In our apartment in North Carolina we had this huge closet, and the doors were left open to make room for the laundry hamper and such.  Some nights, it was a closet.  Others, it was a ghastly gateway to the abyss of DOOM!  The closet in our last apartment held some terror, but I honestly tend to forget we lived there at all, so it really wasn't as bad.  Now, of course, we have our amazing house, with a spacious walk in closet and a large master bathroom, right on my side of the bed.  The closet is pretty abyss like, but it's father from the bed.  The bathroom, on the other hand, is just a few feet away from my head.  At night, it is a yawning black maw, with no hint of light.  Anything could be in there.  It could be a portal to another dimension.  Any dimension.  Well, except for Narnia, that's under the stairs.  The bathroom is ten times scarier than the closet, and not just because I'm a lousy housekeeper.

Now might be a good time to point out that I often have to get up in the night to use the bathroom. 

So, being the practical adult that I am, I fixed the problem.  I bought a nightlight.  Plugged it into the outlet in the bathroom, and there's a comforting warm glow to keep the monsters at bay.  It also makes it slightly harder to step on the cat.

Don't let her fool you, she'll trip you in an instant.

But, somehow, I still didn't feel safe.  There was something lurking in the bathroom, just waiting for me to turn my back.  I'd get up, do my business, and then it would lurk behind me while I washed my hands--it had no reflection of course, so I couldn't see it in the mirror.  I'd get thoroughly freaked out, then leap into bed, occasionally messing up the landing and squashing the husband (he's really a good sport).

Now, the husband really enjoys the ghost hunters type stuff, and I've wound up watching the show with him.  Now, they have explained in the show that one thing that often causes people to feel like they're being watched is a high EMF, or electromagnetic field.  This is typically caused by poorly shielded wiring, and even a low reading one can cause someone really sensitive trouble.  At worst, these things can actually make you physically ill.  So, out of curiosity, the hubby breaks out the EMF and we go exploring.  Now, I don't know exactly what the numbers mean on the device, but I do know that higher numbers mean a stronger field.  I don't remember exactly what the danger level is, but if it's above two, you're probably going to notice it.

My alarm clock gave off a reading of around 30.

We also noticed a slight (i.e. like .1, .2) reading around the light switch and outlets in the bathroom.  That's normal--electrical stuff does give off the fields, and that's a comfortably low reading.  Also worth noting was a reading that ran vertically up the center of the mirror to the light.  Let's see, freaked out while washing hands, with head right in front of that field...explains a lot, don't ya think?  Apparently, I'm fairly sensitive to EMFs. 

So, I unplug and put away the alarm clock and switch to the one on my phone.  When I go to the bathroom, I just remember that wiring behind the mirror.  For the most part, it's been much better.

But there's still something behind the shower curtain besides soap scum.  I know it.  I expect it looks rather a lot like this:

Only not nearly as friendly.

In fact, last night, the husband and I were just discussing the monster in the shower.  It ran something along the lines of:

Me: But what about the monster in the shower?

Darling Husband (DH): There's not a monster in the shower.

Me: Yes, there is!

DH: He probably just wants to get clean.

Me: He's not using the shower.

DH: Well, there you go, no monster in the shower.

Me: Is too!  It's really creepy.  It's scarier than the closet monster.

DH: There's not a monster in the shower or in the closet.

Me: The one in the shower is scarier.  The closet monster will just devour you physically.  The shower monster will eat your soul.  It looks kinda like Ryuk [the above creature, a character from Death Note] only not as friendly.

DH: Ryuk wasn't friendly.

Me:  Okay, well, yeah, he enjoyed all the misery the humans were going through, but he wasn't actively causing it.  He was neutral.

DH: He was enjoying it, that makes him not neutral.

Me: Well, fine, but he at least wasn't actively harming humans. [For those of you who aren't familiar with the story, Ryuk is a shinigami, a god of death. His job is to kill humans.]

DH: Woman, go to bed! [okay, well, maybe he didn't say that last night.  But he does say it pretty regularly.]

So, I pulled the blankets up a little tighter and turned a wary eye on the bathroom, just waiting for a terrifying claw to pull back the shower curtain and emerge to devour my psyche.  The night light wouldn't hold this one back for long.  

And then I fell asleep.  

It may not have gotten me last night, but when I disappear for good, you'll know what happened.

Don't let that cheery exterior fool you, behind that curtain lurks certain death!

I know if I pull back the curtain there won't be anything there...but what if there is?