Places I Don't Work

Some of you have heard my rants about how often I get asked, "Do you work here?" while I'm out shopping.  I don't know why this happens to me, but it seems like it happens at least every couple of weeks (a look back through June reveals it as at least a monthly occurrence).  I feel like I should start wearing T-shirts that say, "No, I don't work here," just to head things off, but I don't think that would help, as it happens regardless of what I am wearing.  My own reaction varies depending on mood, from annoyed and disgusted to full on rage.  This has happened at so many places and so many times I can't remember them all.

Let's say that again for emphasis--I can't even remember how many times I've been asked this.

I don't know why everyone thinks I work wherever I am.  The more flattering theory that's been put forth is that I tend to be fairly confident and move like I know what I'm doing (mostly because I want to get my shit and get out, or because I spend way too much time in a given shop).  I really hope that's it, because otherwise it means that there is a look about me that says "career retail employee."  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I really want more out of my life than that.

So, I've decided to compile a list of places people have asked if I work at.  I'd like it noted that this is not a complete list (just what I can actively remember).  The hubby and I were discussing this last night, and he suggested it happened much more frequently in North Carolina, but I'm blocking it.  That's pretty likely, because there's a good portion of those two years I'll never get back (I don't really want them, either).  I'm also less likely to remember the ones that happened when I was in a good mood, because I brushed them off pretty quick.  I'd also like it noted that this does not include places that I actually worked at.  I got asked that a lot at the bookstore I worked at, mostly because the "uniform" was pretty loose, and I only ever wore store shirts when they made us.  Either way, that doesn't count, as I did work there.  I'm also not counting multiple times.  Still, my experiences out shopping really make me wonder about some of these people.  Do they just wander around asking people if they work there until they find someone who says yes?  How do they miss all the cues by which employees are identified, like uniforms?  How do they get through the day?!

So, below you'll find a brief list of places I don't work.  The first three are North Carolina or earlier, the remainder is from the last six months.

Walmart--While I did have a brief tenure as a cashier as Walhell, I was not employed by them when an elderly lady asked me for help.  I was also wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which in no way resembled the blue vest Walmart employees wear.

Target--I was waiting in the furniture aisle for the hubby to return with a cart so I could get a bookcase.  I was crouched down, trying to figure out the best way to lift it when I was approached by a couple in their 30s-40s.  I responded with disbelief, as I was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans, which is pretty much the opposite of the red shirt and khaki uniform they wear at Target.

Michaels--I'm honestly surprised this hasn't happened more often, since I'm in there all the time.  The lady in question apologized, and explained that she made the mistake because I looked like I knew what I was doing.  Because she was nice, I actually helped her.

Lowe's--I'll be honest, I probably overreacted with this one.  My job was really stressful at the time, I was moving in the middle of the summer, I was still having to live in a crappy apartment with poor management/maintenance, and I'd been trying to get packed.  I ducked out to Lowe's for more boxes and was counting some out to put in my cart when this old man asked me if I worked there.  I ignored him and put my boxes in the cart (trying to take the high road), but he was persistent.  I leaned over my boxes, red faced and kinda sweaty (it was hot!), looked him in the eye and said, "Do I look like I work here?"  (I was wearing a blue plaid shirt and sneakers.)
"I don't know, do you?" 
"Am I wearing a uniform?"
"Oh, so there has to be a uniform?"  For the record, Lowe's employees wear red vests with blue trim.
By this point I was pretty much a boiling pit of rage, and I don't really remember what I said next.  Whatever it was, he rode off on his scooter in a huff and I heard him berating someone else (presumably an actual employee, who was at least being paid to take his shit) a couple aisles over.

FYE--I was at least wearing a black shirt (uniform= black shirt and khakis), but seriously, it's a small store.  Just ask at the counter.  I was anxious enough that day I actually had to leave the store.

Barnes and Noble--This is another one I'm surprised I don't get more often.  I was in the bathroom and was asked while I was washing my hands.  Now, Barnes and Noble has a pretty loose dress code (they usually just have a lanyard), but it's never appropriate to ask for help in the bathroom, unless it's related to a bathroom supply issue (i.e. you're out of soap, etc.).  And you sure as hell don't keep talking to the person once they've told you they don't work there.  I don't care about what your other Barnes and Noble said or had.

Peddler's Mall--Technically I was asked if it was my booth, but I think that still counts, as booth owners get money for selling stuff there.  I'd set down my soon to be purchases to take a closer look at a jar of clowns and had just picked them back up when I was asked.  It was only two or three things, and I was wearing my coat.  It was also totally a grandma booth.  Why would you assume that person+picking up objects+leaving booth=owner of booth?

Meijer--This was actually last week.  The hubby and I had split up and agreed to meet at the door.  The bench in the entryway was full of a large person and their stuff, so I waited inside, near the electric carts.  I kind of needed a wall to lean on, as this was during the more sickly stage of the plague I had, and I wound up just having a seat on the lone electric cart.  I was holding a shopping bag, and not wearing red at all (black sweater, jeans).  I'm pretty sure I also looked half dead, at least I felt like it.  A guy with a cart load of stuff stopped and basically asked me if I was the one who marked his ticket (which Meijer doesn't even do).  I didn't have the energy to be snappy and just told him I didn't work there.

So yeah, those are the incidents I remember.  It bothers me that old people are more likely to ask me than young people.  Do they think all young people work in retail?  I'm also kind of disturbed the number of times I've gotten it at locations where the employees are identified with a red shirt or vest when I was wearing black.  What is wrong with people?  Just because I'm not wandering slack jawed and aimlessly, it doesn't mean I work there.  Please leave me alone.

It's been a while since there were any ponies.

On a side note, I wonder where it'll happen next.  Place your bets in the comments!

It'sa Mario!

So I've been down with some sort of plague this week.  In between somehow staying upright and going to class, I really haven't been up for too much other than T.V. and video games.  And not really anything overly complicated there, especially the last couple of days.  Conveniently enough, a copy of Super Mario 3D Land has recently found its way into my hands so I figured I could play that without having to worry about keeping up with story or overly complicated controls. 

I did not anticipate falling to my death every five minutes.

Seriously, is it necessary to be this far off the ground?

Now, it's been a while since I played any Mario games, and I never really took them that seriously (i.e. tried to beat them).  Also, prior to this, the most recent one I played was Super Mario World, which is a terrifying 21 years old.  However, I do remember dying a lot, and most of my memories of Mario come from Super Mario Bros. 3.  Mostly I just watched my brother play, although he did eventually let me have the controller about ten years after he got the Nintendo.  But there was plenty of terrifying shit in that game, enough to have me hiding behind the couch (and I wasn't even playing!).

Super Mario 3D Land does not disappoint in the terror or difficulty.  It heavily references the early Mario games (and, from what I've read, later ones as well).  It is an excellent game if you feel at all nostalgic for the old games.  It's also excellent if you enjoy games created by sadistic people who like to make godawful logistic puzzles and fire tanooki goombas at you at the same time.

 

Did I mention giant Goombas with tails?

But at least most of the enemies go with one stomp, even that mofo up there.  It's really just dealing with them while also dealing with the lifts and tightropes that will break you.

This type of lift has killed me more than anything else.

You have most of the standard lifts from earlier games, including the drop lifts (and at least one level primarily composed of them), but the worst ones are these red and blue ones (see above).  They switch sides, back and forth--every time you jump.  So, if you mistime things or get a little overeager, you're going to fall to your death.  Add in a difficultly with depth perception in video games, and I'm pretty much doomed from the start.

But all is not lost!  If you die enough times, a clear flying block will appear to give you a random power up when you hit it.  If you continue to do badly, a block will appear at your respawn point that, when hit, will give you an invincibility leaf.  Now, wearing the invincibility suit can be a little bit like how this Penny Arcade comic describes it, but I for one enjoy being untouchable. 

Take that!

At the same time, the super suit has one fatal flaw.  While it will kill anything (it's kinda like having a permanent super star), it does not protect against falls or lava.  And there are so many places to fall.

Look, it's an entire level of walking on tightropes!

I really have no idea why they felt compelled to make so many levels so high up in the sky.  A lot of these are tricky enough that I kept dying even with the invincibility suit, which is why I know what comes next after you died enough times with that.  Once you have proven that you can't even survive with a suit that kills everything you touch, you get a P Wing.  It's basically a mulligan, and will take you straight to the goal.  It's like the game is saying, wow, you suck so bad it hurts.  Look, I can't watch this anymore, just take a pass. 

This is how you know you're doing REALLY badly.

But, you know, that's okay.  There are some monsters I wouldn't mind not having to deal with.  For example, in the desert there are what I like to refer to as "sandworms."  They show up as a shadow beneath you (when I first encountered them I foolishly thought they were above me), chase you, then come up out of the sand and try to eat you.  I screamed like a little girl.  And of course, there's the ghosts.   These things terrified me as a child, and I have learned that they still do.  I think it's the Weeping Angel-like way they sneak up on you.  And the way you can't kill them (at least, not for long).

As soon as you turn around he'll freeze and look all cute and harmless.

Also worth noting are some of the aquatic horrors, like the giant makeup wearing puffer fish and the giant eels, which lurk in holes and come out to eat you (and apparently also can't die).

Lovecraft's fear of oceans and sea creatures was totally justified.

Sure, a lot of this looks all cartoony and kind of cute, but it's no laughing matter when when you're trying not to fall to your death and a piranha plant spits ink all over your screen.  There you are, trying not to fall off the drop lifts, when suddenly...BEES!!!!


And they call this a kids game.




Seriously, though, I'm having fun and have even made it to World Six (of eight). 

As always, thanks to all the internets who made these screen shots possible.

Linda's Guide to Cosplay

Earlier this month I went to an anime convention, at which I saw a lot of people cosplaying, with varying degrees of success.  This post would have gone up sooner, except I couldn't look at illustrations for it for a while after the con.

For the unenlightened, wondering, "Cosplay?  WTF is that?"  Cosplay is simply dressing up in a costume, usually as a character from something and not at Halloween.  It can be as simple as wearing a suit (provided that's par for whatever you're dressing up as) or incredibly complex, with multiple layers, makeup, and wacky hair.  Usually it's done at conventions, so everyone who sees you wants to take your picture and you get lots of attention.  Sounds like fun, right?

 Who doesn't want to look hot and sexy?

Well, yes and no.  You see, while I have seen some amazing cosplay, an awful lot of it is the most terrible thing most of us will see. 

These two things are not equal.  Not at all.

 
 Because I lack the chemistry background to actually develop a safe and functioning eye bleach, I have written a guide to cosplay instead.  With any luck some cosplayers (or even just one) will find it, and spare us some horror.  Now, I could make all these little rules and stuff, but really, good cosplay mostly boils down to one thing:

Make sure your costume/character is appropriate to your body.

Now, within that, there are a lot of things to consider.  What exactly do you mean by appropriate, Miss Linda?  Does this mean I can't cosplay a character of the opposite sex?  I'm confident with my appearance, why shouldn't I wear a string bikini?  What about my fursuit?  Can I still wear that?  Don't worry, we'll cover all of this, and more.

Size Appropriateness

One of the most glaring issues I saw at the recent convention I went to was the matter of size.  Now, let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with carrying around a little extra weight--most of America is on the heavy side these days, and I am the last person to be saying anything with my love handles and spare tire.  But this was an anime convention. Anime is fairly standard when it comes to body size and shape, and it mostly runs to insanely skinny.  Girls either look like this:

Well, maybe they don't all have pointy ears....

Or like this:

She's 18, I swear.

Anime girls have anatomy more physically impossible than Barbie.  They either have impossibly large breasts or they look like little girls.  If you are 40 lbs. overweight, there is virtually no way you can dress up as these chicks and look good.  For the love of god, pick a more realistic character, an outfit that provides more coverage, or just use the school uniform and go as one of their nameless classmates.

You have to be skinny to wear shit like this!!!!

Now, there are some characters who are a little more forgiving, and there are a few who have more realistic figures.  These are probably better choices.  Also, depending on your shape, there are even a handful of anime characters who can totally be pulled off by somebody on the bigger side.

For example, at the con I saw a couple of larger girls dressed as these two little guys.  They had long dresses and cute hats with the ears and they looked absolutely amazing.  I really wish I had actually taken a picture of them, because they were a great example of how to cosplay something awesome when you're not a twig.  I'm not saying you have to dress up like a roly poly animal, but if you must do your Evangelion cosplay, Misato in her uniform is probably going to be a lot more forgiving than Rei in her plug suit (that's the blue haired chick above).

Maybe not too forgiving, but if you're packing an extra 15-20 lbs you could probably get away with it.

And boys, don't think because I have said anything these rules don't apply to you.  Nothing will ruin your Vash the Stampede costume like an extra fifty pounds.  

I hate to sound mean, but if you are dressing up like a specific character, you need to look like that character.  Nothing ruins a well thought out cosplay like no one knowing who you are because you don't look anything like the character.  Weight is not the only issue.  Make sure your hairstyle is done right.  At this con, I saw a River Song (of Doctor Who) with platinum blonde hair and uber pale skin.

River Song, for reference.

I didn't even realize who she was supposed to be until my friend said something, and it did explain why she was wandering around with the eleventh doctor.  And I'll admit, memory had darkened the character's hair.  But River's hair is not bright yellow, and her skin tone is racially neutral.  Her hair is also extremely curly.  You need to match up the most identifying feature of a character, and that's not always the clothes.  The same also applies to make up.  Make sure it's well done.

 

This is not going to work if it's streaky.

You are playing a part here, look like it.  If you're not confident about your size or appearance, don't play a specific character.  There's a host of costumes that look good on anyone--pirates, princesses (Snow White looks particularly good on a bigger girl), steampunky stuff, school outfits (some of them) heck, even the Sisters of Battle uniform from Warhammer 40K.  Just make sure you wear something that works what you have to your advantage.  Yes, I would love to cosplay as Sailor Moon, but I don't have the figure for it, so I'll do something else instead.  I could totally work a Bible Black school uniform, although I'm not sure I want to deal with anyone who recognizes what it's from....

I would rock this.

Gender Bending

A lot of the time your favorite character might be the opposite gender.  This doesn't necessarily rule it out as a cosplay option, but proceed with caution.  In anime, some male characters already llok pretty girly and the work is done for you.  In other cases, not so much.  Depending on your body, you might be able to pull off playing a guy or a girl when you're not, but in other cases you might do better to just do an alternate reality version where the joker is a girl.

This might work a little too well, actually....

Guys, I'm sorry, but this is very rarely going to work for you.  Most of the cool female characters are violently female, so you're not going to be able to change things without losing the character altogether.  Unless you're on the slim side and kinda pretty, it's probably not going to work.

 

Bet you thought you wouldn't have to see this guy, didn't you?

If you're going to try, do it well.  (And this is actually my theory on cross dressing for guys in general.)  Shave your face, put on some lipstick (a shade that goes with your coloring) and maybe some eyeshadow.  Wear a nice wig.  Wear a bra with some falsies (the bra is so they don't drift on you).  If you're wearing a short skirt, shave your legs or wear stockings.  If you're dressing up as Rogue, tuck your junk back.  Ideally, you want guys at the con to see you and think, "Niice!"  Be convincing.  You might not be able to hide your adam's apple, but make an effort.  Don't just throw on a dress and call it done.

Dressing Up as Animals

I'll be honestly, nothing will hide your imperfections as well as a fur suit.  However, I find them terrifying.  I don't like not being able to see a person's face, to not be able to get those nonverbal cues.  This is a personal bias.  Still, be aware that fursuits are generally worn by furries, who are not always seen in the best light.  Unless you are a furry, stick with something a little less literal.  Also, My Little Pony is never appropriate for cosplay.  EVER.  The thought terrifies me so much I can't even google you up a picture.

Miscellaneous Advice

Finally, if you are going to cosplay, make sure your costume is well made.  Nothing can ruin a costume as quickly as ragged edges, or being made out of the wrong materials.  Make sure it's something you can walk around in all day, and make sure any props aren't too heavy or awkward to carry around.

That guy on the end went all day in that.

And remember, cosplay is all about having fun.  Everyone having fun, not just you.  Dress appropriately and don't ruin the fun for the rest of us. 

Thanks to all the random cosplayers whose pictures I pulled off the web (although I did take that last one myself).  

Also, two of the characters shown here are from porn!  Guess which two in the comments!