It'sa Mario!

So I've been down with some sort of plague this week.  In between somehow staying upright and going to class, I really haven't been up for too much other than T.V. and video games.  And not really anything overly complicated there, especially the last couple of days.  Conveniently enough, a copy of Super Mario 3D Land has recently found its way into my hands so I figured I could play that without having to worry about keeping up with story or overly complicated controls. 

I did not anticipate falling to my death every five minutes.

Seriously, is it necessary to be this far off the ground?

Now, it's been a while since I played any Mario games, and I never really took them that seriously (i.e. tried to beat them).  Also, prior to this, the most recent one I played was Super Mario World, which is a terrifying 21 years old.  However, I do remember dying a lot, and most of my memories of Mario come from Super Mario Bros. 3.  Mostly I just watched my brother play, although he did eventually let me have the controller about ten years after he got the Nintendo.  But there was plenty of terrifying shit in that game, enough to have me hiding behind the couch (and I wasn't even playing!).

Super Mario 3D Land does not disappoint in the terror or difficulty.  It heavily references the early Mario games (and, from what I've read, later ones as well).  It is an excellent game if you feel at all nostalgic for the old games.  It's also excellent if you enjoy games created by sadistic people who like to make godawful logistic puzzles and fire tanooki goombas at you at the same time.

 

Did I mention giant Goombas with tails?

But at least most of the enemies go with one stomp, even that mofo up there.  It's really just dealing with them while also dealing with the lifts and tightropes that will break you.

This type of lift has killed me more than anything else.

You have most of the standard lifts from earlier games, including the drop lifts (and at least one level primarily composed of them), but the worst ones are these red and blue ones (see above).  They switch sides, back and forth--every time you jump.  So, if you mistime things or get a little overeager, you're going to fall to your death.  Add in a difficultly with depth perception in video games, and I'm pretty much doomed from the start.

But all is not lost!  If you die enough times, a clear flying block will appear to give you a random power up when you hit it.  If you continue to do badly, a block will appear at your respawn point that, when hit, will give you an invincibility leaf.  Now, wearing the invincibility suit can be a little bit like how this Penny Arcade comic describes it, but I for one enjoy being untouchable. 

Take that!

At the same time, the super suit has one fatal flaw.  While it will kill anything (it's kinda like having a permanent super star), it does not protect against falls or lava.  And there are so many places to fall.

Look, it's an entire level of walking on tightropes!

I really have no idea why they felt compelled to make so many levels so high up in the sky.  A lot of these are tricky enough that I kept dying even with the invincibility suit, which is why I know what comes next after you died enough times with that.  Once you have proven that you can't even survive with a suit that kills everything you touch, you get a P Wing.  It's basically a mulligan, and will take you straight to the goal.  It's like the game is saying, wow, you suck so bad it hurts.  Look, I can't watch this anymore, just take a pass. 

This is how you know you're doing REALLY badly.

But, you know, that's okay.  There are some monsters I wouldn't mind not having to deal with.  For example, in the desert there are what I like to refer to as "sandworms."  They show up as a shadow beneath you (when I first encountered them I foolishly thought they were above me), chase you, then come up out of the sand and try to eat you.  I screamed like a little girl.  And of course, there's the ghosts.   These things terrified me as a child, and I have learned that they still do.  I think it's the Weeping Angel-like way they sneak up on you.  And the way you can't kill them (at least, not for long).

As soon as you turn around he'll freeze and look all cute and harmless.

Also worth noting are some of the aquatic horrors, like the giant makeup wearing puffer fish and the giant eels, which lurk in holes and come out to eat you (and apparently also can't die).

Lovecraft's fear of oceans and sea creatures was totally justified.

Sure, a lot of this looks all cartoony and kind of cute, but it's no laughing matter when when you're trying not to fall to your death and a piranha plant spits ink all over your screen.  There you are, trying not to fall off the drop lifts, when suddenly...BEES!!!!


And they call this a kids game.




Seriously, though, I'm having fun and have even made it to World Six (of eight). 

As always, thanks to all the internets who made these screen shots possible.