Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Yay!  Holidays!

Okay, I'm not really that enthusiastic.  But don't worry, I won't dull your ears with another anti-commercialism rant--you've heard enough of those.  Still, Christmas is is a nice time to spend with family and friends.

No, today we'll tackle the whole concept of New Year's resolutions.  I'm not keen on them, for a variety of reasons.  The primary one is that inherent in the idea is that the only time it's appropriate to change your habits is at the start of a new year (after all, we don't have mid year resolutions, do we?).  The next one up is that people hastily make decisions that result in unrealistic goals, and usually give up within a month or two.  So what's the point?

"I think I'll give up tuna this year.  That's totally doable."

That said, I see nothing wrong with periodic evaluations of your life and deciding to make changes at that time.  After all, if you're unhappy with your weight, why wait to start a new diet and exercise plan?  Figure out what you're going to do, and do it.  Establish a workable plan (instead of cutting out all cheeseburgers, maybe just eat smaller ones).  I use a diet as my example because that's a really popular one at New Year's.  It could be anything.  For example, going back to school.  Although you might have to wait a couple months on that one to allow for the school schedule--but you could still put in your applications and fill out your FAFSA.

And on that note, I have some periodic life evaluation goals of my own.  It just so happens that they line up with the New Year, but I'm implementing them yesterday.  Why wait?  I've been overly introspective this semester, mostly because I've actually had time to think.  A lot of what I've come to this time is really continuing or increasing previous efforts, but I think it's important to plan.  I plan a lot.  Some of you may think my going back to school was a little spur of the moment or unexpected (at least the major), but this was plan C when I was applying for grad school. 

Anyway, here's what I plan on working on until things come up for evaluation again.

1) Eat less crap.  Sure, I've lost weight, but that's mostly been quantity, not quality.  I'd like to try and improve the quality of what I'm eating, or at the very least stop eating food that says I hate myself.

Nothing says, "I hate myself," quite like food that looks the same after sitting out for a year.

2) Keep up the exercise/do more of it.  I started out with a pretty solid plan, but whenever classes start up or work happens, I start slacking off.  I'd like to not do that.  I'd also like to get my upper body strengthened so I stop breaking myself.  I'm hoping the yoga will be good for that--bad weather and sunset are no good for the current plan (walking/biking outside).

3) Wallow less.  I've had issues.  I have a bad tendency to wallow when I feel less than stellar.  This is another, "I hate myself," habit.

4) Reduce TV and internet consumption by at least 20%.  When I spend too much time on this stuff it starts to suck away my soul.  I can feel it.  20% is an arbitrary amount selected only so I have an excuse to include a pony.

 

Who doesn't want to be 20% cooler?

5) Be less paranoid.  I was raised to be pretty paranoid--living a very sheltered life will do that.  And then the whole debacle in Greenville just made it worse (it's hard not to be suspicious when everyone who approaches you on the street really is asking you for money).  But let's face it--just because someone happens to be walking in my direction, it doesn't mean they're going to initiate an unpleasant social interaction.  Maybe they just want to go to that place behind me. 

6) Continue working towards balance and moderation.  You'll notice that none of these things are to stop doing something entirely.  Lately I've become convinced that achieving balance (amongst all that crap that's important to me) is the way to go, the path that will result in the most enjoyable life.  Now, sometimes that may mean working more, or spending more time with friends--balance doesn't necessarily mean that everything has to be equal.  And, of course, it's a hard thing to achieve, and will vary from time to time.  But if I'm going to pick an unreachable goal, I think this is a good one to strive towards.  I think that moderation is key for balance, too.  It's not healthy to do anything in excess and I think keeping things in check is a good way to move towards a more reasonable and happy life.

Will I be successful with all of this stuff?  Maybe, maybe not.  The important thing is to try.  Even if I only get a fifth of the way there, at least I will have made progress towards my ultimate goals.  Small changes are still changes, and a lot of this is things that can take a lifetime. 

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, have a Merry Christmas!!!

Don't worry, in the spirit of the season, Cthulu will wait until after the holiday to swallow your souls.

The Apathetic Cat Fetish

So, I usually check the stats on my blog whenever I do a post.  I like to see if people are actually reading my stuff, and it's always interesting to see the search terms that lead people here.

Or disturbing.  Sometimes it's disturbing.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, I thought I'd share what's been getting people here (other than my facebook links).

For the week:

sock fetish   
chemistry background   
fye cosplay

For the month:
black bible sex cosplay   
and i am the last   
cat don't want to know   
ears plugged anime   
hi. i don't care.   
i don't work here   
punching holes in dapped domes   
sock fetish
chemistry background   
fuck me ia m doctor

And for all time:
i dont care, i am the cat   
black bible sex cosplay   
fuzzy toe socks   
i care cat   
and i am the last   
cat don't want to know   
don't ever question me   
dont know dont care   
ears plugged anime   
hi. i don't care.

I think my favorite is the last one for the month.  "fuck me i am doctor." (I'm assuming a typo there.)  What exactly were they looking for?

As for the rest, it give the impression that my blog is about cats, apathy, and fetishes.  And here I was shooting for ponies and dreams.

So it's now the Apathetic Cat Fetish blog?

The Night of the Living College Recruiters

So, ever since I started back to school, I've been getting calls from college recruiters.  Well, technically I've been getting them since early summer, but the ones earlier this year were all for some guy.  I think his name was Mike Luddo, or at least that's what it sounded like the people calling were saying.  Half of them sounded like they had marbles in their mouths or something.

I really hate this Mike Luddo guy, and if I ever meet him, I'm going to kick him so hard.  It's so not cool to be receiving unsolicited phone calls from colleges at all hours of the day when you're a) trying to find work, so you have to answer unfamiliar numbers because it might be someone offering you a job and b) when you're in the process of moving out of your crappy apartment which fills you with rage (the apartment, although having half your stuff on the other side of town is also unpleasant).  I went off on several of these callers.  I think one of them thought I was an angry girlfriend or something because they were all, "Do you know who this is?"  "I don't care, stop calling me!"  I tried to find out where they got my number so I could get pulled from the master list, but they always hung up on me.  Eventually it dried up, I think because I reported them to the no call list, which I'm on.  Still, if Mike ever wonders why he never heard back from RISD, that's totally me.  Maybe he should have put his own damn number down.

But I digress.  Now I'm receiving calls from college recruiters who actually want to talk to me, instead of that jackhole Mike.  It's still super annoying, because I have no idea how I got on their list.  I don't remember signing up for any college recruiting lists.  My best guess is that my current school gave it out (it is a community college, so a lot of people transfer) or something went horribly wrong in my attempts to find work.  Either way, I really don't understand why they keep calling me.  I'm damn near thirty, so I'm not some wet behind the ears kid who's willing to listen to their propaganda.  I just bought a house, so I'm not going to move halfway across the country.  I have two degrees, am working on a third, am 23 hrs away from a BBA, and 12 hrs away from an MFA (12 hours which would have had to have been taken over two semesters, I must add).I'm already up to my tits in student loan debt, so why would I want to take out even more?

Of course, what really brings this up is that I got another call from one this morning.  Now, those of you who have had the pleasure of calling me in the morning know what I'm like when you wake me up.  I have several friends who are actually afraid to call me before 10 a.m.  I am so violently not a morning person, but that's probably best covered another day.  At my best, when woken up by the phone I am groggy and retarded.  At my worst, I am openly antagonistic.  Depending on the hour, I may start off by yelling at you (I still feel bad about giving ADT a hard time when they called about the shop alarm at 3 am one night).  

You see, when I am awakened by the phone ringing, a fairly basic series of thoughts runs through my head.  I say runs, but it's more like crawls.  I'm not swift in the morning. Incoherent is a good word to describe me.  This morning was no exception.  This morning's wake up call went something like this (with bonus! look inside of Linda's head):

The phone is ringing.
Why is the phone ringing?
Who the fuck is calling me at this hour? [pick up phone and check the caller ID]
I don't know this number.
Maybe they want to give me a job.
I should answer the phone.
[answer the phone]  "Hello?"
"Blah blah blah blah."
Why did you wake me up?
You aren't trying to set up a job interview.
You aren't a friend in need of assistance.
Who the fuck are you and what do you want?
"Blah blah, blah blah blah."
I can't really understand half of what you're saying.
I just woke up.
I can't process verbal input yet.
Tell me what you want so I can go back to sleep.
"Blah blah blah, college recruiter, can I have a minute of your time?"
Oh, wait, I caught that.
College recruiter?
What the fuck?
I'm in school.Why would I want to change schools?
I want to go back to sleep.
"You're a college recruiter?  I've been in school my entire life.  I don't need any more bloody education."
"Blah blah, I'm sorry. Blah blah-"
Why are you wasting my sleeping time with this?  [hang up]  I'm also half asleep, so I still didn't make out half of what you said.  I don't care, I'm tired.
Fucking assholes. 
How'd they get my number, anyway?
I hate them.
*snore*

If I'd been more awake, I'd have gone off about how I'm on the no call list and demanded to know where they got my number from, but my morning retardation prevented me from doing so.  Oh, well, I'll just have to grill the next one.  At least they're not calling as often as they did for Mike.





I wish they'd come to my door so I could kick them and set them on fire.

Places I Don't Work

Some of you have heard my rants about how often I get asked, "Do you work here?" while I'm out shopping.  I don't know why this happens to me, but it seems like it happens at least every couple of weeks (a look back through June reveals it as at least a monthly occurrence).  I feel like I should start wearing T-shirts that say, "No, I don't work here," just to head things off, but I don't think that would help, as it happens regardless of what I am wearing.  My own reaction varies depending on mood, from annoyed and disgusted to full on rage.  This has happened at so many places and so many times I can't remember them all.

Let's say that again for emphasis--I can't even remember how many times I've been asked this.

I don't know why everyone thinks I work wherever I am.  The more flattering theory that's been put forth is that I tend to be fairly confident and move like I know what I'm doing (mostly because I want to get my shit and get out, or because I spend way too much time in a given shop).  I really hope that's it, because otherwise it means that there is a look about me that says "career retail employee."  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I really want more out of my life than that.

So, I've decided to compile a list of places people have asked if I work at.  I'd like it noted that this is not a complete list (just what I can actively remember).  The hubby and I were discussing this last night, and he suggested it happened much more frequently in North Carolina, but I'm blocking it.  That's pretty likely, because there's a good portion of those two years I'll never get back (I don't really want them, either).  I'm also less likely to remember the ones that happened when I was in a good mood, because I brushed them off pretty quick.  I'd also like it noted that this does not include places that I actually worked at.  I got asked that a lot at the bookstore I worked at, mostly because the "uniform" was pretty loose, and I only ever wore store shirts when they made us.  Either way, that doesn't count, as I did work there.  I'm also not counting multiple times.  Still, my experiences out shopping really make me wonder about some of these people.  Do they just wander around asking people if they work there until they find someone who says yes?  How do they miss all the cues by which employees are identified, like uniforms?  How do they get through the day?!

So, below you'll find a brief list of places I don't work.  The first three are North Carolina or earlier, the remainder is from the last six months.

Walmart--While I did have a brief tenure as a cashier as Walhell, I was not employed by them when an elderly lady asked me for help.  I was also wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which in no way resembled the blue vest Walmart employees wear.

Target--I was waiting in the furniture aisle for the hubby to return with a cart so I could get a bookcase.  I was crouched down, trying to figure out the best way to lift it when I was approached by a couple in their 30s-40s.  I responded with disbelief, as I was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans, which is pretty much the opposite of the red shirt and khaki uniform they wear at Target.

Michaels--I'm honestly surprised this hasn't happened more often, since I'm in there all the time.  The lady in question apologized, and explained that she made the mistake because I looked like I knew what I was doing.  Because she was nice, I actually helped her.

Lowe's--I'll be honest, I probably overreacted with this one.  My job was really stressful at the time, I was moving in the middle of the summer, I was still having to live in a crappy apartment with poor management/maintenance, and I'd been trying to get packed.  I ducked out to Lowe's for more boxes and was counting some out to put in my cart when this old man asked me if I worked there.  I ignored him and put my boxes in the cart (trying to take the high road), but he was persistent.  I leaned over my boxes, red faced and kinda sweaty (it was hot!), looked him in the eye and said, "Do I look like I work here?"  (I was wearing a blue plaid shirt and sneakers.)
"I don't know, do you?" 
"Am I wearing a uniform?"
"Oh, so there has to be a uniform?"  For the record, Lowe's employees wear red vests with blue trim.
By this point I was pretty much a boiling pit of rage, and I don't really remember what I said next.  Whatever it was, he rode off on his scooter in a huff and I heard him berating someone else (presumably an actual employee, who was at least being paid to take his shit) a couple aisles over.

FYE--I was at least wearing a black shirt (uniform= black shirt and khakis), but seriously, it's a small store.  Just ask at the counter.  I was anxious enough that day I actually had to leave the store.

Barnes and Noble--This is another one I'm surprised I don't get more often.  I was in the bathroom and was asked while I was washing my hands.  Now, Barnes and Noble has a pretty loose dress code (they usually just have a lanyard), but it's never appropriate to ask for help in the bathroom, unless it's related to a bathroom supply issue (i.e. you're out of soap, etc.).  And you sure as hell don't keep talking to the person once they've told you they don't work there.  I don't care about what your other Barnes and Noble said or had.

Peddler's Mall--Technically I was asked if it was my booth, but I think that still counts, as booth owners get money for selling stuff there.  I'd set down my soon to be purchases to take a closer look at a jar of clowns and had just picked them back up when I was asked.  It was only two or three things, and I was wearing my coat.  It was also totally a grandma booth.  Why would you assume that person+picking up objects+leaving booth=owner of booth?

Meijer--This was actually last week.  The hubby and I had split up and agreed to meet at the door.  The bench in the entryway was full of a large person and their stuff, so I waited inside, near the electric carts.  I kind of needed a wall to lean on, as this was during the more sickly stage of the plague I had, and I wound up just having a seat on the lone electric cart.  I was holding a shopping bag, and not wearing red at all (black sweater, jeans).  I'm pretty sure I also looked half dead, at least I felt like it.  A guy with a cart load of stuff stopped and basically asked me if I was the one who marked his ticket (which Meijer doesn't even do).  I didn't have the energy to be snappy and just told him I didn't work there.

So yeah, those are the incidents I remember.  It bothers me that old people are more likely to ask me than young people.  Do they think all young people work in retail?  I'm also kind of disturbed the number of times I've gotten it at locations where the employees are identified with a red shirt or vest when I was wearing black.  What is wrong with people?  Just because I'm not wandering slack jawed and aimlessly, it doesn't mean I work there.  Please leave me alone.

It's been a while since there were any ponies.

On a side note, I wonder where it'll happen next.  Place your bets in the comments!

It'sa Mario!

So I've been down with some sort of plague this week.  In between somehow staying upright and going to class, I really haven't been up for too much other than T.V. and video games.  And not really anything overly complicated there, especially the last couple of days.  Conveniently enough, a copy of Super Mario 3D Land has recently found its way into my hands so I figured I could play that without having to worry about keeping up with story or overly complicated controls. 

I did not anticipate falling to my death every five minutes.

Seriously, is it necessary to be this far off the ground?

Now, it's been a while since I played any Mario games, and I never really took them that seriously (i.e. tried to beat them).  Also, prior to this, the most recent one I played was Super Mario World, which is a terrifying 21 years old.  However, I do remember dying a lot, and most of my memories of Mario come from Super Mario Bros. 3.  Mostly I just watched my brother play, although he did eventually let me have the controller about ten years after he got the Nintendo.  But there was plenty of terrifying shit in that game, enough to have me hiding behind the couch (and I wasn't even playing!).

Super Mario 3D Land does not disappoint in the terror or difficulty.  It heavily references the early Mario games (and, from what I've read, later ones as well).  It is an excellent game if you feel at all nostalgic for the old games.  It's also excellent if you enjoy games created by sadistic people who like to make godawful logistic puzzles and fire tanooki goombas at you at the same time.

 

Did I mention giant Goombas with tails?

But at least most of the enemies go with one stomp, even that mofo up there.  It's really just dealing with them while also dealing with the lifts and tightropes that will break you.

This type of lift has killed me more than anything else.

You have most of the standard lifts from earlier games, including the drop lifts (and at least one level primarily composed of them), but the worst ones are these red and blue ones (see above).  They switch sides, back and forth--every time you jump.  So, if you mistime things or get a little overeager, you're going to fall to your death.  Add in a difficultly with depth perception in video games, and I'm pretty much doomed from the start.

But all is not lost!  If you die enough times, a clear flying block will appear to give you a random power up when you hit it.  If you continue to do badly, a block will appear at your respawn point that, when hit, will give you an invincibility leaf.  Now, wearing the invincibility suit can be a little bit like how this Penny Arcade comic describes it, but I for one enjoy being untouchable. 

Take that!

At the same time, the super suit has one fatal flaw.  While it will kill anything (it's kinda like having a permanent super star), it does not protect against falls or lava.  And there are so many places to fall.

Look, it's an entire level of walking on tightropes!

I really have no idea why they felt compelled to make so many levels so high up in the sky.  A lot of these are tricky enough that I kept dying even with the invincibility suit, which is why I know what comes next after you died enough times with that.  Once you have proven that you can't even survive with a suit that kills everything you touch, you get a P Wing.  It's basically a mulligan, and will take you straight to the goal.  It's like the game is saying, wow, you suck so bad it hurts.  Look, I can't watch this anymore, just take a pass. 

This is how you know you're doing REALLY badly.

But, you know, that's okay.  There are some monsters I wouldn't mind not having to deal with.  For example, in the desert there are what I like to refer to as "sandworms."  They show up as a shadow beneath you (when I first encountered them I foolishly thought they were above me), chase you, then come up out of the sand and try to eat you.  I screamed like a little girl.  And of course, there's the ghosts.   These things terrified me as a child, and I have learned that they still do.  I think it's the Weeping Angel-like way they sneak up on you.  And the way you can't kill them (at least, not for long).

As soon as you turn around he'll freeze and look all cute and harmless.

Also worth noting are some of the aquatic horrors, like the giant makeup wearing puffer fish and the giant eels, which lurk in holes and come out to eat you (and apparently also can't die).

Lovecraft's fear of oceans and sea creatures was totally justified.

Sure, a lot of this looks all cartoony and kind of cute, but it's no laughing matter when when you're trying not to fall to your death and a piranha plant spits ink all over your screen.  There you are, trying not to fall off the drop lifts, when suddenly...BEES!!!!


And they call this a kids game.




Seriously, though, I'm having fun and have even made it to World Six (of eight). 

As always, thanks to all the internets who made these screen shots possible.

Linda's Guide to Cosplay

Earlier this month I went to an anime convention, at which I saw a lot of people cosplaying, with varying degrees of success.  This post would have gone up sooner, except I couldn't look at illustrations for it for a while after the con.

For the unenlightened, wondering, "Cosplay?  WTF is that?"  Cosplay is simply dressing up in a costume, usually as a character from something and not at Halloween.  It can be as simple as wearing a suit (provided that's par for whatever you're dressing up as) or incredibly complex, with multiple layers, makeup, and wacky hair.  Usually it's done at conventions, so everyone who sees you wants to take your picture and you get lots of attention.  Sounds like fun, right?

 Who doesn't want to look hot and sexy?

Well, yes and no.  You see, while I have seen some amazing cosplay, an awful lot of it is the most terrible thing most of us will see. 

These two things are not equal.  Not at all.

 
 Because I lack the chemistry background to actually develop a safe and functioning eye bleach, I have written a guide to cosplay instead.  With any luck some cosplayers (or even just one) will find it, and spare us some horror.  Now, I could make all these little rules and stuff, but really, good cosplay mostly boils down to one thing:

Make sure your costume/character is appropriate to your body.

Now, within that, there are a lot of things to consider.  What exactly do you mean by appropriate, Miss Linda?  Does this mean I can't cosplay a character of the opposite sex?  I'm confident with my appearance, why shouldn't I wear a string bikini?  What about my fursuit?  Can I still wear that?  Don't worry, we'll cover all of this, and more.

Size Appropriateness

One of the most glaring issues I saw at the recent convention I went to was the matter of size.  Now, let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with carrying around a little extra weight--most of America is on the heavy side these days, and I am the last person to be saying anything with my love handles and spare tire.  But this was an anime convention. Anime is fairly standard when it comes to body size and shape, and it mostly runs to insanely skinny.  Girls either look like this:

Well, maybe they don't all have pointy ears....

Or like this:

She's 18, I swear.

Anime girls have anatomy more physically impossible than Barbie.  They either have impossibly large breasts or they look like little girls.  If you are 40 lbs. overweight, there is virtually no way you can dress up as these chicks and look good.  For the love of god, pick a more realistic character, an outfit that provides more coverage, or just use the school uniform and go as one of their nameless classmates.

You have to be skinny to wear shit like this!!!!

Now, there are some characters who are a little more forgiving, and there are a few who have more realistic figures.  These are probably better choices.  Also, depending on your shape, there are even a handful of anime characters who can totally be pulled off by somebody on the bigger side.

For example, at the con I saw a couple of larger girls dressed as these two little guys.  They had long dresses and cute hats with the ears and they looked absolutely amazing.  I really wish I had actually taken a picture of them, because they were a great example of how to cosplay something awesome when you're not a twig.  I'm not saying you have to dress up like a roly poly animal, but if you must do your Evangelion cosplay, Misato in her uniform is probably going to be a lot more forgiving than Rei in her plug suit (that's the blue haired chick above).

Maybe not too forgiving, but if you're packing an extra 15-20 lbs you could probably get away with it.

And boys, don't think because I have said anything these rules don't apply to you.  Nothing will ruin your Vash the Stampede costume like an extra fifty pounds.  

I hate to sound mean, but if you are dressing up like a specific character, you need to look like that character.  Nothing ruins a well thought out cosplay like no one knowing who you are because you don't look anything like the character.  Weight is not the only issue.  Make sure your hairstyle is done right.  At this con, I saw a River Song (of Doctor Who) with platinum blonde hair and uber pale skin.

River Song, for reference.

I didn't even realize who she was supposed to be until my friend said something, and it did explain why she was wandering around with the eleventh doctor.  And I'll admit, memory had darkened the character's hair.  But River's hair is not bright yellow, and her skin tone is racially neutral.  Her hair is also extremely curly.  You need to match up the most identifying feature of a character, and that's not always the clothes.  The same also applies to make up.  Make sure it's well done.

 

This is not going to work if it's streaky.

You are playing a part here, look like it.  If you're not confident about your size or appearance, don't play a specific character.  There's a host of costumes that look good on anyone--pirates, princesses (Snow White looks particularly good on a bigger girl), steampunky stuff, school outfits (some of them) heck, even the Sisters of Battle uniform from Warhammer 40K.  Just make sure you wear something that works what you have to your advantage.  Yes, I would love to cosplay as Sailor Moon, but I don't have the figure for it, so I'll do something else instead.  I could totally work a Bible Black school uniform, although I'm not sure I want to deal with anyone who recognizes what it's from....

I would rock this.

Gender Bending

A lot of the time your favorite character might be the opposite gender.  This doesn't necessarily rule it out as a cosplay option, but proceed with caution.  In anime, some male characters already llok pretty girly and the work is done for you.  In other cases, not so much.  Depending on your body, you might be able to pull off playing a guy or a girl when you're not, but in other cases you might do better to just do an alternate reality version where the joker is a girl.

This might work a little too well, actually....

Guys, I'm sorry, but this is very rarely going to work for you.  Most of the cool female characters are violently female, so you're not going to be able to change things without losing the character altogether.  Unless you're on the slim side and kinda pretty, it's probably not going to work.

 

Bet you thought you wouldn't have to see this guy, didn't you?

If you're going to try, do it well.  (And this is actually my theory on cross dressing for guys in general.)  Shave your face, put on some lipstick (a shade that goes with your coloring) and maybe some eyeshadow.  Wear a nice wig.  Wear a bra with some falsies (the bra is so they don't drift on you).  If you're wearing a short skirt, shave your legs or wear stockings.  If you're dressing up as Rogue, tuck your junk back.  Ideally, you want guys at the con to see you and think, "Niice!"  Be convincing.  You might not be able to hide your adam's apple, but make an effort.  Don't just throw on a dress and call it done.

Dressing Up as Animals

I'll be honestly, nothing will hide your imperfections as well as a fur suit.  However, I find them terrifying.  I don't like not being able to see a person's face, to not be able to get those nonverbal cues.  This is a personal bias.  Still, be aware that fursuits are generally worn by furries, who are not always seen in the best light.  Unless you are a furry, stick with something a little less literal.  Also, My Little Pony is never appropriate for cosplay.  EVER.  The thought terrifies me so much I can't even google you up a picture.

Miscellaneous Advice

Finally, if you are going to cosplay, make sure your costume is well made.  Nothing can ruin a costume as quickly as ragged edges, or being made out of the wrong materials.  Make sure it's something you can walk around in all day, and make sure any props aren't too heavy or awkward to carry around.

That guy on the end went all day in that.

And remember, cosplay is all about having fun.  Everyone having fun, not just you.  Dress appropriately and don't ruin the fun for the rest of us. 

Thanks to all the random cosplayers whose pictures I pulled off the web (although I did take that last one myself).  

Also, two of the characters shown here are from porn!  Guess which two in the comments!

Boy Scout Beer

So, the boy scouts are out right now, trying to sell popcorn.  I had one come to the door, I ducked into Kroger and got asked like three times if I wanted popcorn.  Now, this puts me in a bit of a predicament.  See, I hate it when people try to sell me crap, but at the same time I have trouble being mean to little kids.  (Well, little kids who aren't being brats at least).  I feel like we should make some effort to be nice to them, since they'll be getting treated like crap soon enough. 

As much as I have a rep for hating kids, I really don't like making them cry.

At the same time, I really don't want popcorn.  So I have to politely crush their dreams and watch their hopeful little faces get all sad because I said no.  I'm pretty sure this is intentional (hell, the girl scouts practically patented the routine), but I'm not anymore likely to buy popcorn.  It's not like it's girl scout cookies.

Seriously, who in this country doesn't buy at least a box every year?

And this got me thinking.  I mean, really, popcorn?  Come on.  Surely there's something better that they could sell.  Something people really want--like cookie crack.  I can get popcorn anywhere.  Girl scout cookies?  I have to go through the scouts.  The boy scouts need something like that. 

So, what could they sell?  Not cookies, the girl scout mafia would put a quick stop to that.  Anyway, that's pretty girly.  It should be something masculine.  Something manly.  Something everyone will buy.  Like beer.

Boy Scout Beer.

They could learn about brewing and get a brewing badge, and then go out and sell it and get a badge for that, too.  Think about it!  Even if it's crappy beer, it would still only be available once a year, and people would totally buy it for the novelty.  I don't even drink beer, but I would have to buy a case.  Of course, then again there is the whole liquor license thing, and minors not being able to sell alcohol.  Still, they could do something else.  Maybe root beer?  Root beer is tasty.  They could do, like, spiffy soda or something.  And then you could drink it with the girl scout cookies you saved.

Nah, beer would be better.

Derpy Hooves would also prefer beer.

I want a badge in brewing.

The Daily Hate

So, yeah, this post was originally going to be my anti-greenie rant (which is really more against idiots than against pollution), but recent crap in the news compels me to dedicate it to something else that is driving me bonkers.  I have to get it out of my system, or my ordinarily calm, won't-kill-a-bug-even-if-it's-fucking-huge-and-six-inches-from-his-face husband will have to kill me.  We'll cover the rabid environmentalist subject later.

I'd like to preface this by saying that I'm usually apolitical.  I honestly believe that no one in politics truly has our best interests in mind, and thus we will be screwed no matter what happens.  This bleak view makes me pretty apathetic, since it means there's no point in caring.  Whether you agree or not is up to you, and I firmly believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  However, I also believe that you should have some sort of basis for your belief and actually know what it is.  And here we're approaching our actual subject. 

Today's Daily Hate is brought to you by the Occupy Wall Street movement.  I'm using movement for lack of better terms.  I'm honestly not really sure exactly what it is, but it kinda looks like a movement.  If a movement had no actual goal, no real stance, and the people involved had no idea what was going on.  See, I've been curious about it, mostly because I don't understand why anyone would want to occupy Wall Street to begin with.  I mean, it's boring as hell unless you're a financial wizard and its not like the stockbrokers can do anything about the problems inherent with the system.

What I have gathered about the OWS thing is that it's a movement against corporate greed and corrupt government.

Okay, I can get behind that.  I mean, stuff like the Enron scandal isn't cool, and companies should try to look after their workers and not just work them to death for peanuts.  And, well, they do say we have the best government money could buy.  Makes sense.  But did I also mention that these people are also against income inequality?

Let's say that again.  Income inequality.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but the U.S. has a capitalist economy.  This means that most businesses are privately held and for profit, which belongs to the owner of the company.  This would further imply that if you created a better mousetrap, sold the crap out of it and got rich, the profits would be yours to do with as you pleased.  If you didn't create the better mousetrap (or anything else) and just worked for the guy who did, you'd earn a flat wage based on the work you did.  You would not be entitled to any of the profits.  This pretty much automatically means people are going to have different--unequal--incomes.  Income inequality is inherent in the system.  In fact, about the only economic system it's not going to be present in (and this is really only in theory) is communism, which doesn't work.  You see, people are greedy.  We always want more than what we have, unless we're some sort of monk, priest or nun.  Capitalism uses this to the economy's advantage by encouraging it--if you want to make more money, work harder, create an even better mousetrap than the other guy, and you will be rewarded.  This also encourages innovation and provides a wider market of goods and services to choose from.  Also, the business owner who makes more money is able to provide more and better paying jobs, because 1) he needs more staff to keep up with demand and 2) he mas more money to give the staff.  Communism, on the other hand, pretty much guarantees stagnation because, well, why should you work harder than absolutely necessary?  It's not like you're going to be rewarded.  You're going to get the same ration of soylent green whether you make ten steel lawn darts or fifty.

Not that I'm saying soylent green is people or anything.

Seriously, look at the state of the working class in communist countries.  Or heck, just look at the numbers.  China currently has one of the fastest growing economies but, based on data provided by wikipedia, their GDP per capita is a bit over $8000.  In contrast, the same value for the U.S. is almost $47000.  Compare the living conditions for the poor in each nation, and you'll have an even better idea of the difference.  And then look at the quality of goods produced, and well, I think I've made my point.  Feel free to compare the no longer solvent USSR to the US at the time, and you'll see the same thing.  Long story short, if everyone gets the same income no matter what they do, you're going to be giving an awful lot of people either a free ride they don't deserve, or the shaft.

And this is what they want?!  I really doubt that.  Part of the problem here is that many of those protesting are really just pissed that they can't pay their bills or they can't get a job.  Those are legitimate problems and as someone who was formerly barely making enough money to pay the interest on her student loans and is now back in school to retrain for a better pay line of employment, I understand, I really do.  But telling the rich people to give you a cut of money you did nothing to produce is not the way to do it (and I'm not saying all rich people earned their money, either, just that you shouldn't demand handouts).  Remember, it they can't be rich, that means you can never be rich, either.

These people are angry (rightfully so), but have no direction and don't understand how the system is actually supposed to work.  They want a quick fix to a problem that was decades in the making, and are so busy pointing the finger at whose fault it is and who should fix it that they're completely oblivious to what's actually going on.  The current economic problems can't be blamed on any one business or group--it took a lot of people doing to wrong thing to get where we're at.  For example, take the housing market.  It crashed because banks gave out loans to people who couldn't afford to pay them back.  And yeah, there were shenanigans on the part of the banks, with predatory lending and such, but the people who took those loans out bear some of the responsibility, too.  You hear complaints about all the speculation with the stock market.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but people buy and sell stocks based on how well it's going to do.  You don't know for a fact that Company X is going to do well, you're betting that it will.  That's how it works.  It's really not that much different from betting on a horse race, if you think about it.  I'm not saying speculative stock exchanges and subprime lending didn't contribute to the problem, but I am saying there's more to it than that.

The guys on Wall Street didn't cause your problems, and the vast majority of them can't do anything to fix them.  Banks can change their lending practices so this doesn't happen again, but they can't fix the current problem.  Protesting against Wall Street does nothing, except show how ignorant you are.  I barely follow economic news, and I can poke holes in your argument and support them with fifteen minutes of research.

And don't even get me started on the whole 99% thing.  Of course the top one percent is the wealthiest.  It wouldn't be the top one percent otherwise!  What about the top 2-25%?  They're also pretty rich.  By picking these numbers, you're implying that 1% of the country has nearly all the wealth.  You're trying to imply that 99% of the country is living in poverty or homeless which, frankly is absurd.  Damn it, do your math, and your research!

Yes, our economic system is in dire peril and yes, our government is corrupt (but still better than many other nations, I must point out), but if you want something done, at least complain to the right people.  March on your state capitals, protest in Washington.  If you want to shout at the banks, go ahead!  But do it at their corporate headquarters, not on Wall Street.  Yes, some banks are located there, but a good number aren't.  Some are in Midtown Manhattan.  I know for a fact that Bank of America and BB&T are actually operated out of North Carolina.  The New York Stock Exchange is not responsible for your problems, it's just an indicator.  Yelling at it is like shouting at a swarm of bees.

Better yet, instead of standing around holding signs and shouting, why not try to be part of the solution?  Write your congressman, invent that better mousetrap and start your own business, create some jobs yourself.  If you're charismatic enough, why not try running for office and fixing the system from within (then again, maybe not, if you think Wall Street is responsible for our problems).  Work together to come up with a solution to address the problem from our end (we the people do share part of the responsibility, after all).

Yes, the system is broken, but screwing over the banks and corporate America is not going to fix it.  (Actually, considering the number of people employed by corporate America and the banks I think it's quite likely to make things worse).  Adjusting government regulations so that they both protect and serve the people (whether that is increasing or decreasing them)  will fix it. Penalizing businesses and individuals for not following those regulations will fix it.  Figuring out a way to make it profitable for industry to operate domestically again (which will provide more jobs that have a living wage) will fix it.  Educating people on how to function within society and how to be fiscally responsible will fix it.  And some compassion and patience from the people who aren't struggling right now will help, too.

This, while funny, will not fix anything.

All I'm trying to say is, if you want to protest, be clear about what you want, and use some common sense.  And if you want to solve the problem, there are better things you could be doing.  Yeah, the system is broken, but of our choices, it allows for the most innovation, personal growth, and opportunity. 

(And if you want to live in a communist country, move to China.)



Rant over, crawling back into my hole now.  Feel free to leave inflammatory comments below.

How To Project #1, part 2 of 2

Continuing our project that we started the other day....

Okay, so you've got your domes done.  Let's go ahead and make the rest of your parts, shall we? 

Step 1

Make the jump rings to connect the domes.  You'll need the 3/16" dowel and the 20g sterling round wire.  Sand the end of your wire (however much you're going to use) with 400 grit sandpaper.  Clamp the dowel in a vise.  You want a short end sticking out on one side. Coil the wire around the dowel, making a nice tight coil, with no spaces.  Each coil will end up being one jump ring, so if they're all stretched out they won't be round.  If you have trouble getting started, clamp the end of your wire in the vise, right with the dowel.  Then you'll saw into your rings and the dowel at angle.  Make sure you only cut the top side of the rings--cutting at an angle reduces the odds of cutting all the way through. 

They may pull apart slightly as you cut.  That's normal.

As to how many rings you should make, that's really up to you.  You will need three rings of this size for this project.  I usually make a few extras.  A lot of the time the first coil or two isn't as tight as the rest, and a few extra jump rings are always handy to have around.  If you decide to make a billion and the end of the dowel starts getting in the way, cut it off.  You're using it as a disposable mandrel.

Now, some books will show you to make the coil and then use wire nips to cut the rings.  This is perfectly fine--if you don't care how it looks, or about the sturdiness of the closure.  The difference is easily illustrated.

A jump ring cut with wire cutters only has one very small point of contact to keep it closed.  If you saw your jump rings, the entire end of each ring touches.  This also makes soldering much easier, and there will be soldering quite soon.

Once you've cut your 20g jump rings, switch out for the 1/8" dowel and the fourteen gauge wire.  Repeat the procedure so you have at least two 14g jump rings.  Don't forget to sand with 400!

Step 2

Cut the neck wire and make the hook.  For the neck wire itself, take the 14g and cut an appropriate length.  I'll be honest, I just wrapped it around my neck and eyeballed it.  Remember when you do this that your class will take up 3/4"-1", so leave it a hair on the short side.  If I were to measure what I cut, it's probably around 15" or so.  You may need more or less, depending on your neck size.  File the ends flat.  You can use a machinist's vise for this if you have one, or just do it by hand.  Sand the length with 400 grit when you're done.

The hook is trickier, and I apologize that I have no pictures.  You might want to try it in copper a couple of times.  I've actually done this clasp several times before and screwed it up (in my defense it's been a while). Again, sand the end of the wire before you get started.  Take the end of the 14g wire and hammer it flat.  Round off the end with a file.  Take your round nose pliers and make a bend at the end of the flat portion, then make a curve just past that in the opposite direction.

Here's some diagrams to give you and idea of where you're going with this.  Once you've gotten the hook formed, bend the end down a little bit.

Cut your hook off the wire.  Leave a little extra on there, about like in the illustration above.  File this end flat.  This will give you a base to solder with, and space to operate the clasp.

All of the parts we've done so far today can be worked on while you're waiting on stuff in the pickle, as well as after you've completed the domes.  Either way, you should have all your parts now.

Disregard the smaller jump rings in this illustration.  I initially made them with a 1/8" inner diameter, which doesn't let it hang right.  This is what happens when you design on the fly.

 The hook and larger jump rings.  These three pieces will form the clasp.

This is what your smaller jump rings should look like.

Step 3

Solder the clasp to the neck wire.  You will need at least two grades of solder (hard and medium, or if you feel really confident, medium and easy).  You'll solder one ring to each end of the neck wire, and then the hook to one ring.  This could, theoretically, be accomplished in one go, with one grade of solder, but let's take things one step at a time.

So, lay the neck wire down on your soldering space, and butt a ring up to each end.  You want the joint to be flat, so everything is on the same plane.  When you've got the rings soldered on, if you look at it from the side it should be a straight line.  You may have to get creative with your setup--my soldering block is only six inches square, so I had to improvise with old ones.

Here's my setup.  It was tricky, especially with the blocks being different heights.

If you're really struggling, just do them one at a time.  It's better to spend more time with your setup, than solder things together wrong.  Taking shit apart sucks balls.

Anywho, once you're set up, dab some flux at the joints, put a small piece of hard solder on each joint, and fire up your torch.  Ordinarily you'd have to heat the entire piece to get the solder to melt, but where you're dealing with such small pieces, you can focus on the ends.  Heat one end until the solder goes liquid, then the other.  Be careful not to melt your jump rings.  

Once you've got the jump rings on there, you can put the hook on.  Again, things are going to be tricky.  You want to hook in line with the neck wire, so you can't just lay it on it's side.  There's a few options for set up here.  You can use a third hand to hold it in place, or you can carve a groove in your soldering pad to hold it.  I recommend the latter--it's more stable, and isn't a heat sink.  Just use some tweezers or something and dig until you can put the hook in it and have it butt up nice and smooth to one of the rings.

Here's my set up for soldering the hook. 

Use medium solder for the join so you don't undo your last joint.  Fire it up, but be careful you don't overheat it.  I'll be honest, when I did this, I overheated it and the neck wire popped off the jump ring.  Because I was an overconfident idiot, I used medium and easy, and had to use an anti flux on the hook joint so I could put it back together.  Learn from my fail.  Don't overheat it.  If you're really worried, you can go ahead and put something on the wire to ring joint so the solder won't flow, just in case.  Yellow ochre is traditional, but gross and messy.  Water based white works well, but make sure you have ventilation.  Regular white out will make really nasty fumes and I can't in good conscience recommend you use it (even though it works just as well and is easier to find).

So, you've got your clasp soldered on.  Yay!  Now file and sand any excess solder off your joints (don't be a Messy Milton).  I have some nifty bits I like to use in my flex shaft for this--they're silicone, so as you use them, they'll wear down to various useful shapes, making it easy to get into odd corners and inside jump rings.

This one is about used up, but you can see how such a slim finishing bit would be handy.

Also, at this point, make any final adjustment to the hook.  The above picture is how the clasp actually works.  You should feel some resistance as it passes over the jump ring, but things should still move smoothly.  Carefully bend the closed neck wire into a smooth round shape.  If you have some round of the appropriate size, you can form it around that.  Otherwise, well, do your best. 

Step [whatever step we're on now.  You think keeping track of all this is easy?]

Okay, you've got a neck wire with a clasp, three jump rings and three discs.  Use the jump rings the connect the discs together, then to attach the disc assembly to the wire.  Strictly speaking, you should solder those rings shut, but soldering 20g jump rings is a tricky task (use easy).  I'll leave it up to you whether you want to do it right (and solder) or take the easy way out and run the risk of catching the jump rings on something and losing a piece. 

 

Oh, hey, look!  You're done!

Feel free to try variations.  You can play with the disc size or number, you can bend the neck wire for a more conforming fit, you can mix metals, whatever you want.

NEXT TIME:  Words I Hate/My Problem With the "Green" Movement (Including the Fact That Green is an Adjective, Not a Noun)

How To Project #1, part 1 of 2

As promised, this week's post is a how to project.  There's a lot of pictures, so I'm going to break it up into about three posts.  I'll try to crank 'em out quick though.  It's a pretty simple project, although the clasp is a bit tricky.  Even if you aren't up to making it, it'll give you an idea of how I do that voodoo that I do so well.  I'll be showing you how to make this:

Tiered Dome Necklace

This piece is inspired by the work of a dear friend of mine, Molly Strader (her website didn't want to load for me, so I'm directing you to her facebook page).  She does a lot with domes,  all of which is far more awesome than this little guy.  Still, this is a classy little piece, and great if you're wanting to do some production work.

To make the Tiered Dome Necklace you will need the following:

Tools:

sandpaper (standard jewelry grits are 220, 400, and 600)

jewelers saw frame, with blades (I used 2/0 size blades)

round nose pliers

disc cutter

dapping block and punches

planishing hammer

hammer you don't care about (you'll use this with the dapping block and disc cutter--don't use your planishing hammer)

vise

1/8" and 3/16" dowels

torch and soldering accessories (board, tweezers, at least two grades of solder, flux and pickle)

needle files

flex shaft, #20 drill bit, and finishing bits

optional: wire nips, machinist's vise

Metal:

20 gauge sterling sliver sheet (a 2" by 3" section should be sufficient)

14 gauge sterling silver round wire (around 2 feet)

20 gauge sterling silver round wire (maybe a foot)

Now before we get started, I just want to emphasize safety.  Always be careful with an open flame and make sure you have adequate ventilation, especially if you are using a flux with fluorides.  Wear safety glasses, especially if you are using a flex shaft.  You will be dealing with sharp pointy things, heavy smashing things, fire, and hot things.  Take appropriate precautions and remember, if you damage yourself it's not myself.  Make sure your torch is in good condition to avoid gas leaks and worse.  If you're uncertain, feel free to take a jewelry class first--you won't even need my direction for this if you do.

Again, I am not liable if you damage yourself in any way.

Also, you'll notice that some of the pictures show copper as the metal used and other silver.  That's because, well, I decided halfway through that I wanted to use this project for a how to and had to redo half the steps.  The process is still the same, and if you'd rather use copper to save some money, go for it.

Step 1

Cut out your discs. You'll need one each in the following sizes: 3/4", 5/8", and 1/2".  On my disc cutter, this is the three smallest sizes.  I'll be honest, I happened to find my discs while going through my scrap, which is a good lesson in using your material wisely.  Extra important with the price of silver running as high as it is.

For your disc cutter lesson, sandwich your metal between the two halves of the cutting block, and go ahead and place your cutter in the hole.  Make sure the edges of the sheet aren't to close to where you're making the disc, or you'll have a flat spot.

 Make sure to place it over something solid to absorb the blows from your hammer, like the post on your workbench.  Otherwise, everything's going to wobble and you'll get nasty marks on your discs.  If you're lucky enough to have a hydraulic press, just stuff the whole assembly in there and skip this step.

Once you've got everything set up, give the blunt end of the cutter a few good blows with a hammer that it's okay to ding up.  (i.e. not your planishing hammer, which has to have a clear polished face.)  I like to use what I refer to as my lucky smacking hammer.  It's an old claw hammer that belonged to my granddad.

 

Once you're done, you should have three discs graduated in size.  Do with the scrap what you will.  I usually save mine for later.  Sometimes you'll need a little sliver, and if nothing else, you can always sell it off later.  Go ahead and sand with 220 at this point, just to get out any big scratches.  You can hammer them out later, but it's easier to get rid of them now.

Step 2

Form your discs into domes.  You'll start off by annealing your dics.  With sterling, you want it to glow red in the dark, but not when it's light.  If you do it right, you almost won't be able to tell you heated them (until you touch them and burn your fingers). If your discs are black, you overheated them and might have to worry about firescale later.  Just don't melt them.

Pretty much you're just going to be heating them up so the metal becomes soft and is a bit easier to work.  Once you're done, quench them, then toss them in the pickle pot to get clean.

One trick I picked up to make pickling small pieces easier is to take a film canister, drill a bunch of holes in the bottom and two near the top, then use some copper wire to make a handle.  You now have a tiny bucket you can use to suspend small parts in your pickle pot.  Just bend the handle so the whole thing doesn't fall in and you won't have to fish around for ages with your tongs.

Like this.

Once everything's clean (make sure to rinse everything off with water) and uber dry, then you can form your domes.  Again,  make sure your discs are dry, or you run the risk of damaging your tools. 

Now, before I forget, you will have to drill some holes in your domes at some point.  You can do it before you dome or after.  If you do it before, you'll probably have to redo it after, because the doming process will deform the holes a bit.  I do recommend at least marking where you'll be drilling before you dome--it's a lot easier to place the holes on a flat surface.  Use a ruler or combination square to find the center and draw a line.  Then use a center punch to mark a spot at each end of the line.  You want it close to the edge, but not so close that you'll drill through the edge.

This looks good.  Rocket science, it is not.

Do this for the two smaller discs, but only mark one spot for the big one (since it's only connecting to one thing.

Now, break out your block and punches.  Pick a dome on the block that the large disc fits comfortably in, down a bit from the edge.  Make sure the center punched side is facing up so that it'll be on the inside of the dome.

 Like this.

Select the appropriately sized punch.  If your set is anything like mine, they might even be marked with their sizes.  I used a 22 (mm?) punch.

I'm ashamed to admit how long it was before I noticed these markings.

Set your punch in the middle of your disc and give it five firm smacks with the hammer.  Be careful not to get your punch off center, or you can hammer it into the block and damage it.  Do this for all three discs.

Now, switch to a smaller dome on the block, using the same fitting criteria.  You'll also need a smaller punch.  I used a 20, if that'll give you any help.  Repeat the process, right down to the five smacks.

  This may also give you a reference.  I pretty much just flopped from the three hole side to the four holed side.

Once you've done that, you should have your domes all formed.  Yay!

They'll look like this.  The left one shows how it would look if you predrilled.

Go ahead and drill your holes now, using a #20 drill bit.  Drill from the inside out.  They should be work hardened, but this way you don't have to worry about accidentally deforming your parts.  Your set up will look something this:

Make sure you hold onto your part, or the bit will grab it and spin it around.

Step 3

Making the hammered texture.  This step is easy.  Take the smaller dapping punch that you used (the 20) and place it in a vise.

Now, place a dome on the top of the punch.  Hold it steady, and gently hammer it with your planishing hammer.  Don't wail on it--you don't want to deform it, but do give it a steady pressure.  Move the disc as you hammer to make sure it's between the punch and the hammer at all times.  You probably want hearing protection for this.

Like this.

Don't worry too much about having all the marks right next to each other.  Just get a good even coverage.  Then do it again.  You want at least two or three rounds of hammering.  Do this for each dome.

 

This was about a round.

And we'll stop here for today.  I need a break.  Next time we'll tackle the jump rings, and start putting things together.